Respect Authority

Some of us spent enough of their college tenures puffing wacky tobacky and wasting entire afternoons in front of Halo to know what the true addictive substance in that equation is. And when video game addicts hit rock bottom, it’s uglier than an episode of Intervention.

Granted, plenty of people are addicted to other forms of technology, be it schlock like American Idol, Twitter, or playing 30-second-ringtones of rap singles over and over again in a crowded subway car. However, I’ve never once seen somebody have their Facebook account closed and decide that sticking a remote up their ass is an appropriate response.

You may cry “fake” on this one… but it’s a really hard call. This child’s special breed of deranged so gracefully walks the line between melodramatic overcompensation and maladjusted-pizzaface-suffering-from-hysteria that one thing is for certain anyway. He’s clearly spent enough time in World of Warcraft to learn the agility of an elf. To say nothing of the typical Legolas-league homoerotic undertones.

Seriously, he literally emerges from the closet and then decides to take the plunge into DirectTV related sodomy? I’m not sure anyone could write something that perfect, but if so, we’re looking at a future nominee for Best Screenplay.

Friday is a joyous occasion quite on its own — just having the ability to drink until you pass out and not have to wake up for work tomorrow and be late because you had to clean up the vomit is cause for celebration. A celebration, of course, that usually involves drinking until you throw up/pass out. It’s sort of like how Satanists celebrate by killing animals — destructive, barbaric, and really… not all that much fun. But hey, it’s a tradition. Just like racism, traditional marriage and war!

In case that wasn’t enough to get you riled up and excited for the weekend, which I can’t particularly understand, then you’re in luck — I just ran across some leaked footage from the next Spider-Man film. Can we say blockbuster?

Okay… how about ball buster? I was just playin’ with ya’ll, but come on, don’t act like you didn’t enjoy it. And lookie there, it’s already 10:30… Miller Time, baby.

As one gets older, it’s important to regularly make an effort to keep any kind of “maturation” at bay. And that’s why I get my entire body waxed every three weeks. …Well, actually, that’s not the only reason why, but we’ll talk about that some other time.

Anyway, here’s some material to help keep you firmly lodged in the mire of perpetual immaturity. Although, I don’t really anticipate you needing very much of an excuse to laugh at stupidity made manifest right now, considering it’s OMG 4:20 on 4/20 I THINK MY MIND JUST BLEW UP FROM HIGHNESS DUDEZ

Admittedly, nothing can warm my flash-frozen charcoal heart more than obnoxious kids getting what’s coming to them. Except for money. Oh… and, of course, water parks:

Seriously, where can I get a ticket, and, more importantly, is there a discount if I bring a can of Coke?

Apparently it’s “Have Fun At Unfortunate Children’s Expense Day” at Respect Authority. Oh, wait, it is April 20th after all, and I mean, I still can’t stop laughing about how my little brother drowned because I left him alone in the pool so I could smoke blunts all day.

Good afternoon! I’m here to give you a new perspective on the word “awesome.”

In the immortal words of R. Kelly, “It’s! The! Remix!”

ThruYOU is the genius bastardization of all media through the cultural dream catcher that is YouTube by some shadowy, often pictured shirtless, character by the name of Kutiman. With a name like that, it sounds like the dude belongs in a fucking Pokéball if you ask me — instead, he’s busy ripping the entire Internet to shreds, and pushing mash-up culture’s overstuffed envelope just a little further in the process.

The results of his tireless mad science are no less impressive than they are innovative. Kutiman is the Girl Talk of streaming video montage, to put it one way. And just like the Pied Piper of neon-clad hipstards, Kutiman may not have been the first to attempt something like this, but he achieved it on a scale so much larger, and did it so successfully as to completely overshadow the clambering troglodytes that paved his way. And like in the best mash-ups, the end product is somehow more than just the sum of its parts. Kutiman makes rich, lush soundscapes out of zit-faced losers playing a cheap guitar for their webcam as if the 14-year-olds calling them a fag in the ensuing YouTube video’s comments actually care.

So I guess this is what it feels like to be living in Post Postmodernity.

Normally I don’t subscribe to college humor-esque YouTube videos, but explaining the FUPA to countless people over the years (real actual adults excluded, since I can’t bring myself to say “pussy” without giggling), I have to respect that the term has gained enough prominence to merit multiple faux music videos. Here’s a juicy selection:

And here’s a camel toe for good measure.