Respect Authority

So, it finally came out. And we finally saw what had been brewing for nearly 20 years. A Watchmen adaptation fairly successfully executed in a time when the level of special effects could do the source material justice. But a good movie is not all special effects (I’m looking at you, George). And so we were… not quite underwhelmed… I don’t know, maybe just whelmed.

Maybe the procession of critics over the years saying that Watchmen was unfilmable were right, even in a time in cinema history when a movie’s budget can include $16 million dollars to create just one of its characters (then again, that’s about $40 million cheaper than Will Smith, so who’s the real superman now?) Maybe “unfilmable” meant more than special effects or time constraints — comic book to silver screen adaptation poses a tougher language barrier than the current fad of giant blockbuster superhero epic IMAX experiences may suggest, and invariably, some things get lost in the translation.

Nonetheless, animated short Saturday Morning Watchmen uses a far more liberal execution of the term “translation” — it’s a vibrant, freakish Candyland where Adrian might stop a nuclear war by giving all those damn ‘toons The Dip. Indeed, where the famed Ozymandias and his mutant sidekick Bubastis chase ghouls around haunted amusement parks ala Shaggy and Scooby Doo, just without all the backstage pot smoking. A place where Dr. Manhattan can somehow actually be more surreal than when he’s building elaborate, gyrating castles out of Martian sand.

Yep… it’s pretty fucking weird, and hilarious… though there are far fewer boobies and guts in this particular adaptation. Instead, those have been replaced by Josie’s (of the Pussycats) keytar and good lessons about protecting the environment.

Still… part of me can’t help but fondly imagine a crossover with the Turtles. When pizza would be totally radical in the past, present, and future simultaneously.

Nerds, that’s who.

So, if you’re not a nerd and have never been a nerd, Zack Snyder’s cinematic adaptation of the legendary graphic novel Watchmen is probably about as compelling a reason to head to theaters as Bride Wars or Hotel For Dogs is for people who, in high school, decided not to trade their precious gray matter for a treasured appointment as “the one kind of ugly and loserish cheerleader who wants so badly to be popular she’s willing to overlook that a year ago all the other cheerleaders used to throw gum in her hair (and still do actually)”.

On the other hand, while I have successfully been able to trick people into thinking I’m cool for years simply by wearing tight pants and swearing a lot, I am, nonetheless, officially changing my birthday to Watchmen’s release date of March 6th. You see, deep down, I am a nerd. That admission may sound shocking but come on, I wear prescription glasses, it’s a sure sign. Oh yeah, and I also have Hello Kitty posters in my bedroom.

This new viral video disguised as an insidious government PSA describes some of the background events leading up to the events of Watchmen, but for those dedicated, zit-faced few who already know the back story it’s merely an entertaining diversion. We were going to see the movie anyway, but I mean… good work giving some underpaid videographer something to do — way to stimulate the economy, guys! You’re the real superheroes!

The thing is, the flurry of promotional materials for this movie seems gratuitous at best, and utterly in vain at worst. Maybe it’s merely a generous handout to ravenous fans ready to jizz long strands of Batman grappling hooks in anticipation, but if it’s an actual attempt to garner hype for the film outside of its niché demographic, the producers must be delusional fools who’ve spent too much time in the proverbial world of Warcraft to remember that here on Earth, most people think comic books are for the people they spent their teenage years beating up. Indeed, unfortunate as it may be, it seems the average citizen would rather participate in dumb jock hobbies like, you know, having an awesome time drinking all night with their friends or enjoying noncommittal sex with incredibly attractive people. Yeah, I don’t get it either.