Respect Authority

Soul 2 Sole, a short tribute to the evolution of sneaker culture by David Park, has been going around the series of tubes we call the Internet today. As a senior graduate student at Parsons School Of Design, Park produced this as his thesis, and likely will get much more out of his education than all the fools who spent $160,000 of their parents’ money on liberal arts social engineering.

Although it’s definitely far from comprehensive, it’s a dynamic and well-edited montage that touches on the far-reaching tendrils of today’s sneaker obsession — grazing the impact sneakers have had on everything from professional sports, skateboarding, hip hop, and break dancing. The simple fact remains that no matter what your hobby of choice is, chances are good you wear shoes. Come on, even the Geico cavemen do.

Unless of course, if you’re me, and work from home and only put shoes on when you can’t bribe anyone else to go out and get the beers. Or when your toenails have gotten so long that wearing an outfit consisting of shoes and boxer shorts seems like the less embarrassing option.

Being that my ankle is currently about twice the size it’s supposed to be, and the rest of my legs look to be afflicted by some kind of flesh eating disease, and, uh, because I have a job and spend my days chained to a computer, skateboarding is limited to sweet day dreams and rough doodles at the moment. Oh, and also to YouTube. Actually, mostly just YouTube.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that the huge changes skateboarding media has undergone in recent years is one of my favorite consequences of the Internet. Probably even more than all the free porn! I know — there’s a reason your mom told you to avoid those loitering, glossy-eyed skateboarding burnouts… they’re just not normal. Then again, it could have also just been all the drugs, trespassing, and lack of a regular shower schedule. One or the other, that’s for sure.

Getting a new 411vm (RIP VHS, you my dogg forever) every month and poring over every magazine’s 5 pages of actual content buried amongst the ads used to be as close as your average skaterboi could get to the latest in the wild world of professional skateboarding and that heavenly dreamland called California. Thanks to the World Wide Web, we now probably know all too much about pro skater’s lives, with a slew of web sites and video series constantly carving out new frontiers in skate media. Wasting time has never been easier.

This week’s spawn has been particularly enjoyable. Here are some choice picks for the lazy, the injured, the stoned, and the skateboarders out there who aren’t some combination of lazy, injured, or stoned. Do you even exist? Do you moonlight as Sasquatch? Read More ›

Many an unfortunate task has been likened to “pulling teeth.” But for this kid recently ejected from the dentist’s chair, pulling teeth is easy compared to keeping your head upright and not seeing the devil smiling at you in every stop light. Still, sure beats the hell out of the weird-tasting pair of plastic vampire fangs he got to pull out of the Treasure Box before he left.

Anyone who’s ever taken a wrong turn on the Let’s Do A Bunch Of Drugs Tonight Highway can relate to this poor, confused child’s slurred existential questions. The first, a test: “Is this real life?” as if inhabitants of the dream world are somehow contractually obligated to tell the truth. The second, a more panicked concern as the first question’s answer begins to reveal its startling implications: “Is this going to be forever?” If only, my child, if only.

In time, I’m sure his only regret will be that his youthful innocence wouldn’t allow him to appreciate it more. And to think, meanwhile, miles away, there are eight-year-olds from the projects lighting their first blunt on the corner of Bowery and 3rd.

Making a sponsor me video can be tough, especially today as skateboarding progresses beyond the limits of human understanding. Want to know what it takes to make the cut? In the video below, DJ Dogpound grinds his way through an educational glimpse at what you’ll be up against as a budding amateur skater. All you have to do right now is press play, and maybe grind your teeth.

Coming to ABC Family very soon, a film about every day struggles and the unshakable bonds that bring loved ones together… or something.

Unfortunately, I can’t confess to actually ever seeing Child of Rage, and I think that very well may be the first documented case of anyone using the word “unfortunately” when mentioning they’ve never watched the movie. Just can’t help but innovate over here, folks.

Horror films sure have come a long way, though. From cheesy-creepy atmospheres filled with children evil in both intent and acting ability, to surgically enhanced Mouseketeers running around getting their vaginas lopped off by maniacal, possessed gynecologists in kind of underwhelming 3D, it’s hard to say if the genre is getting worse or weirder considering it was pretty bad and certainly fucking weird as hell before, too.

Nonetheless, I’d take Who Framed Roger Rabbit over My Bloody Valentine 3D any day I happen to feel like being scared to the point of actually crying. Roger Rabbit was a horror movie, right? When Judge Doom dips the little whimpering shoe in the… uh… dip? Even the thought of it has me weak in the knees. Nightmares to this day, friends.

Something like this was bound to happen. Maybe we didn’t know exactly which hip hop song about marijuana they would use, and we didn’t know precisely when it would finally happen, but mark my words, we all knew this was coming.

Nike’s involvement in skateboarding has always been a source of controversy, for those who care anyway. In fact, their attempts were denied by skateboarders four times before finally entering the industry successfully. Nonetheless, this commercial from their first stab at skateboarding in 1997 is thoughtful and amusing. Even if they don’t necessarily “get it,” they’re at least pretty good at faking it.

Initially, Nike SB’s success could largely be attributed to the fact that Nike corporate finally clued the fuck in and tried to actually help the skateboarding industry while reaping the ludicrously exorbitant benefits, rather than exploiting the culture entirely without giving anything in return, which is a practice Nike is both familiar with and quite good at.

Ultimately, their decision to sell SBs in actual skate shops rather than mall chains was a pretty meager effort considering skateboarding is bringing them in $15 fucking billion a year. To put that number into perspective, that’s almost 6% as much money as Ludicrous has (estimated worth, according to the rapper, “a million, billion, fafillion dollars”)! Read More ›