Respect Authority

Before my morning coffee.

Sometimes, when I’m not letting the television’s warm rays actively melt my brain, I read books. No seriously, I do.

In fact, my love of the written word at the very least equals my love of the idiot box, and may even in fact surpass it. So it stands to reason that I’ve devoted no small amount of time to the consideration of what type of book I would write, given the opportunity, motivation and lots of Adderall.

The answer? The money-making kind. And what kind is that? Well since I don’t have the patience to research my way through a Paris-based mystery involving washed-up professors discovering ancient mythological secrets that create worldwide controversy – I’d settle for the next best thing: vampires.

Indeed, a recent analysis conducted by me in my own apartment yields these findings: I have read no less than eighteen books about vampires in the last year. Eighteen. At the current rate, I’m well on my way to achieving a “one vampire book per month” frequency, which I’m pretty sure is the point at which it would be socially acceptable to label me a loser. Read More ›

Remember a few years ago when everyone was into pirates? Pop culture messiah Chuck Klosterman wrote on the subject in 2004, and made the kind of insightful points I wouldn’t have been able to think of my own, let alone write down. But Klosterman’s basic point was this: People love free music, music is made free by theft, and pirates are THE representation of thieving things that should be free. Essentially, pirate ships were the world’s first Napster.

Since the Pirate Renaissance of 2004, not much has changed: we’re still at war, the James Bond franchise continues to pump out movies, and there are no flying cars. But the obsession with pirates has slowly faded, perhaps as iTunes made it semi-logical to pay for music again (Would a pirate buy rum for 99 cents a jug? Methinks not). Instead, the once-popular pirate, epitomized by people like Johnny Depp and David Cross, has been replaced by longstanding villain and Halloween competitor The Vampire.
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