Respect Authority

Okay, so it’s not that I don’t respect the threat of terrorism. I totally believe there are plenty of people out there hell-bent on destroying America, because the American way of life — wealthy, overweight, pretty much awesome — is for obvious reasons offensive to some. Plus, the world is full of crazies. Shit, my block is full of crazies.

But  despite my understanding of, and respect for, the global terror threat (my personal alert level is at a consistent and understated yellowy-orange hue), I’m finding it hard to muster up some fear when it comes to the nonstop coverage of Najibullah Zazi, the Colorado man arrested for hatching a plot to detonate bombs in Manhattan subways.

Zazi (which is way easier to type than Najibullah) reportedly went shopping in the days before his arrest for all manner of beauty supply products, which together would have created a bomb capable of as much destruction as we saw during similar attacks in London and Madrid. The New York Times, ever sensational, called the terror case “one of the most serious in years.”

….Really? I mean, really? Eight years ago, a handful of men flew planes full of people into buildings, also full of people, and our most serious threat in 2009 is a 24-year-old building basement bombs out of hairspray and nail polish remover? Who got caught. Might we not, as a country, consider this an improvement on our state of affairs?

I take the subway every day, and on my very long mental checklist of possible dangers — urine, homeless people, homeless people urinating — terrorism is somewhere around No.79. I’ve watched enough Law & Order to know that my chances of getting mugged, molested or murdered on the train are astronomically higher than getting blown up.

Some part of me, by which I mean all of me, thinks it’s high time we start concerning ourselves with what I’ll call “preventable” terrorism — plots that involve ingredients or procedures large-scale enough to warrant attention. Unless Duane Reade has plans to stop selling nail polish remover, chances are high there will always be someone, somewhere, perfectly capable of building a bomb. Look at how long meth has survived in the basement labs of suburban middle America. By the same token, as long as there are people willing to kill themselves in an effort to kill others, there’s just really not a whole lot we can do about it.

In the meantime, while perusing convenience stores for beauty supplies, Zazi might consider investing in some hair maintenance. Beards are so last year.

Two days ago, artist and apparent soap fetishist Stuart Semple released 2,057 smiley-faced clouds into the miserable gray wash the British call “sky.” The clouds, made up of helium, biodegradable soap, and vegetable dye, floated past the Tate Modern and Southbank before dissolving into the air after 30 short-lived minutes. Frankly, I’m not sure if seeing a few of these hovering next to my face on the way to work would come across as anything other than smug. Like, “Hah hah, I’m a cloud, I never have to work! See things in me!”

The project, intended to inject a little cheer into the dreary London skyline, was certainly unique. However, the artist probably could have made people even happier if he just threw all the money these blissfully ignorant clouds cost into the air instead. Not as cute, maybe, but after using that free money to buy a few beers, everything else starts looking cuter anyway.

And while they may have elicited a few unsuspecting chuckles at the time, now just imagine if all of those little happy clouds had anthrax or nerve gas mixed into their sudsy solution. The clouds and even great Allah himself might be smiling now, but they’re the only ones!

So yeah, the clouds were a real gas. But only in time will we see which definition of the word really best applies. Smile, we live in such a wonderful world!

Good words to live by, friends.

In a recent article, The Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg tests airport security and finds that perhaps a better name for it would be airport insecurity. Jokes! Long suspecting the heightened security measures put in place in the wake of September 11th to be almost entirely for show, or at the very least, mostly for show and entirely ineffective, Goldberg has been attempting things many have not because they do not enjoy cavity searches. However, Goldberg has yet to receive a cavity search despite all his suspicious behaviors — only once did he receive a pat-down frisking which avoided his private parts and therefore, any private things he could have stashed there.

I’ve amassed an inspiring collection of al-Qaeda T-shirts, Islamic Jihad flags, Hezbollah videotapes, and inflatable Yasir Arafat dolls (really). All these things I’ve carried with me through airports across the country. I’ve also carried, at various times: pocketknives, matches from hotels in Beirut and Peshawar, dust masks, lengths of rope, cigarette lighters, nail clippers, eight-ounce tubes of toothpaste (in my front pocket), bottles of Fiji Water (which is foreign), and, of course, box cutters.

Apparently, the TSA’s airport officers are assigned to search carry-on luggage for things like guns, bombs, three-ounce tubes of anthrax, and Middle Eastern people. Items that don’t meet their search criteria are generally ignored. Medical supplies, such as bottles of contact solution, also aren’t bound the three-ounce limit for liquids in containers and accordingly, won’t be checked. So load up that bottle of Bausch & Lomb with all the illegal drugs and C-4 it can fit and fly easy. Read More ›

I can’t pretend to know how counter-terrorism on a municipal level works. I imagine that it has something to do with randomly checking bags in random stations and treating city employees like dirty airline flyers. So I assume that when the MTA and NYPD thank paranoid riders, they have 1,944 foiled terror plots to thank them for. Or several hundred conspiracy arrests. Maybe at least a couple terror-related conspiracy charges. Actually I can’t find any arrests that have anything to do with a suspicious Arab guy, or backpack, in the subway.

You’re doing it wrong, NYPD. Remember —

Crime Fighting:

Not Crime Fighting: