Respect Authority

Humans are largely fickle creatures. For instance, when I go to Taco Bell, I often have a fiercely embattled inner dialogue over whether I should get a chicken quesadilla (I’m pretty sure the critical ingredient here is the nectar of Mount Olympus drizzled all over the fucking thing… well, it’s either that or jizz) with a couple heavenly soft tacos on the side, or just fuck the whole quesadilla idea and eat as many soft tacos as I can before throwing up.

After all, Taco Bell soft tacos are the closest thing we have to mass-produced, processed, and completely inauthentic Mexican candy. And if I’m celebrating Mexico’s prized exports, I don’t think I’d be too fickle in choosing a soft taco over, you know, fucking swine flu. Sounds nice though, it’s just not my thing… you know, dying young.

Today, friends, I’m concerned over the Obama mania that has struck much of the nation, particularly in light of his hundred days of solitude and all that shit. He’s likable… too likable… I almost want him to be my dad. And I think it’s very easy to become swept up in the celebrity of him, his beautiful family garbed in gorgeous designer clothes, and their kind of retarded looking dog, and just how much better in probably every way possible he is than the previous president. Remember, it wouldn’t be all that hard to do better than that, and we need much more than that in these TETs (tough economic times). To say nothing of all the other catastrophes waiting in the wings.

And yes, it was very easy to be critical of Not-My-President Bush, but I think we need to remain critical of our country’s leaders always. We are adrift on some perilous slopes, and we are looking to this new administration to guide us back to base camp 1 — but what if they feed us to Yetis for a whole ton of cash instead? Think about it. Remain vigilant, and all that shit. Not trying to preach, just sharing some food for thought.

Granted, you could do a lot worse, considering the Republicans of late have turned into a frenzied pack of wild, God-fearing dogs. And wild dogs aren’t the cute, kinda dumb kind that hump your leg at a party — no, their feral counterparts are more like mangy wolves, with scary, relentless barks, that will bite at your jugular if you give them the chance. I think I’m still making a Republican party metaphor here but I kind of hit a penny and derailed a bit… I’ve been watching too many nature documentaries lately.

…”Too many” — hah! Can you believe you’re getting this kind of comedy for free, people?

Just a few short days after I lamented the downfall of modern under-the-cap contestry, saying it had been quite some time since a free Dr. Pepper came my way, my demands were met. 

In April, two relatively senior executives at Dr. Pepper said they would give everyone in the country a free Dr. Pepper if Axl Rose got his shit together and released 17-years-in-the-making album Chinese Democracy by the end of 2008. Undoubtedly the two were thinking, with nearly two decades of “album production” under his belt, why would Axl be in a rush now? Unfortunately for them, and fortunately for both fans of Dr. Pepper and Guns ‘N Roses, Axl announced earlier this week that the album will hit shelves (only Best Buy shelves, oddly enough), on Nov. 23. 

In a surprisingly awesome corporate move, Dr. Pepper is holding true to their claim. Interested persons can register for a coupon on the company’s web site to receive their free soda (only for 24 hours starting on the 23rd). 

And just in case you want some lunch to go with that beverage, Taco Bell is giving away free tacos next Tuesday between 2 p.m. and 6 p.m., all because some, like, baseball player stole a base in the World Series or something. Cheers to corporate promotion.