Respect Authority

I can’t decide if it’s wrong to say I don’t believe Steve Jobs. But …I just don’t believe Steve Jobs. 

On the one hand, I’d be pretty up in arms if everyone under the sun was documenting my rapid weight loss and deteriorating health on a day-by-day basis, and even moreso if the appearance of that health had a direct correlation on my company’s stock, and therefore my financial well-being. After all, life isn’t The Biggest Loser and for the most part the miniscule changes in one’s physical appearance, including numbers on the scale, aren’t cause for public concern. Unless you’re Oprah. 

But on the other hand, naming a health issue more commonly associated with menopausal women than ailing middle-aged men isn’t doing much for me in the realm of “lies I’m willing to pretend I believe.” We know you had pancreatic cancer Steve, and moreover we’re all pretty sure pancreatic cancer doesn’t just up and disappear. And even if we did believe that, its not exactly reassuring to watch you get thinner than our iPods. 

At this rate, a hormonal imbalance isn’t going to cut it. Just admit it Steve, you’re bulimic.

Back in July, Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer started up a rumor mill by mentioning that Apple’s ridiculous profit margins would take a hit during a “future product transition”. Pretty soon after that, the project code name, Brick, started circulating around the Apple rumor websites (yes there’s more than one and yes they’re all devoted solely to Apple).

It turns out the “Brick” may not be a product at all but in fact a revolutionary manufacturing process in which a solid brick (get it?) of aluminum is lasered and water blasted into, perhaps, a new MacBook that’s rumored to be released on Oct. 14th.

Forming a laptop out of a single brick of aluminum would eliminate weak joints, screws, dead metal weight, and Chinese girls. Plus, having the factory in Apple’s backyard not only gives Steve more opportunity to micromanage everything but wisely takes advantage of the cheap labor market emerging in our new, freedom loving, third world country.

Also, Apple’s innovative move might have something to do the future of American manufacturing, energy production, and corporate self-preservation during awkward international falling outs. Whatever.

[Computer World]