Respect Authority

In the latest episode in my ongoing bitter contest with Comcast (the contest consisting of me sending them 80 dollars a month and them sending me prematurely graying hair in return), I am forced to spend the day confined to working in a coffee shop that has the temperature regulation of a menopausal woman. Upon entering, I am greeted by Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open.” The merciless follow-up track? Smash Mouth’s 1999 abomination of sound, “All Star.” Indeed, it’s the perfect soundtrack for a prison.

Honestly, I’m a bit confused, bordering on panicked, as to why this song would still be in a pop radio station’s rotation. Because that would mean the song must still be considered “popular,” a fact that I’m not only incapable of understanding, but even if I could, would refuse to on principle.

Sure, Astro Lounge, the horrifying album from whence “All Star” burbled forth, had the fortune of going triple platinum due to most people being… well, kind of dumb. But I would hope that as a culture, we can forget about the mistakes of the past. After all, Kid Rock sold 21 million albums, and black people were slaves once. If we cannot change, if we cannot progress, then what hope do we have?

Think about it — Smash Mouth is a band whose covers of classic pop songs were more successful than their original material. That says something about their ability as songwriters, which is to say, they have none. And for that matter, they don’t have a vocalist either. No, at best, frontman Steve Harwell’s coarse caterwauling can be described as an impression of Guy Fieri, the unfathomably loserish host of Food Network’s Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, straining to take a shit while singing bad ska.

If we can’t collectively agree that Smash Mouth is one of the most shaming creations our species has conceived, then I have no choice but to assume we’re all doomed to imminent extinction. Seriously, why not celebrate Apartheid, the Holocaust, or hell, even Gigli while we’re at it?