Respect Authority

"I'm serious Todd, I'm out. I can't do this. Do you know I haven't been hunting in three weeks? Three weeks! I haven't wanted to shoot something this bad since McCain wet his Depends."

My first thought after reading about Sarah Palin’s resignation was that this all just seems a bit too easy. It’s not that Obama doesn’t have his fair share of critics, or that there aren’t plenty of crazies out there just waiting to get their hands on a shotgun and clear line of sight. But with the Republican party undergoing this domino effect of leadership failure, it feels like the future of America is being handed to Democrats on a silver platter; like liberal thinkers are rebuilding the country while a series of GOP lemmings follow one another off a cliff.

So either we should be thanking our lucky stars and stripes or making sure our fallout shelters are well-stocked; if this is all part of some massive underground neo-conservative plan to take the country by storm, then color me distracted (and optimistic) enough to not see it coming. For now I’ll just consider Palin’s July 26 departure date a fairly awesome birthday present to me.

Though Palin’s resignation—and the sad fact that geriatric John McCain withstood more political firebombing than the gun-toting Alaska native—is surely a blow to the country’s leadership-less conservatives, worry not Dems: there was some scandal in your neck of the woods too this July 4. Former Washington D.C. mayor Marion Barry was arrested this weekend and charged with stalking a female acquaintance.

Now, Barry is the same former mayor who during his third term was captured on film smoking crack in a hotel room. But in a fate I suspect Sarah Palin won’t share, Barry, who is also currently on probation in a federal tax evasion case, was reelected four years after the whole “That’s not my crack!” thing. Here’s the key GOP: Don’t campaign on family values, and no one will blame you if you don’t have them.

Now that everyone’s had their fill of chocolate candy and women dressed as slutty teachers/schoolgirls/police officers/firefighters/referees, it’s time to come back down to reality. Two of the year’s more “family-oriented” holidays are almost upon us, the economy is still a mess and by the end of this week we’ll know the results of that whole “election” thing everyone keeps talking about. These days the Future really does Freak Me Out.

And you’re right. There’s no such thing as enough when it comes to slutty referees.

Here’s RA’s FFMO Election Special, since after this week I never want to hear the word “election” again.

Read More ›

Like my suit? It's really expensive.

Stevens, the 184 year old Senator from Alaska and longest serving Republican, was found guilty for not reporting showers of gifts from some rich supporter.

The Senator received complementary renovations to his Alaskan home, a swanky massage chair, and (believe it) a sled dog.

Out on bail, Stevens will undoubtedly file an appeal and reset his focus on his re-election campaign. You know, the campaign that has about a week left.

Alaska, with its small town, pro-American sensibilities, may very well send their favorite son right back to Washington to serve yet another term. In that case Stevens might need a presidential pardon to keep him out of jail and in the Senate, which conveniently has no rule against felons serving.

If Stevens wins and is removed, then good ol’ power respecting Sarah Palin will be responsible for holding a special election for his replacement.

Northern Exposure did not prepare me at all for these values based, folksy ethics violations. I always thought it was the east-coast Jewey doctor who brought all the trouble, comic relief, and power-drunk corruption.

[Anchorage Daily News]

Sarah Palin is one of those beautiful, unique personalities that brings out the worst in everybody: liberals and conservatives alike, everybody’s ugly side has come out with her regrettable introduction into the media spotlight. In fact, the only person who doesn’t look completely ugly following her nomination is Sarah Palin herself, and even then, only because of all those great fake nudes circulating the Internet now.

At a recent rally in Iowa, while Palin paused during her speech, a woman in the crowd yells “and he’s a n***er,” and I’m assuming she wasn’t referring to Senator McCain. Palin stutters for a moment, but continues her speech without mentioning the outburst. Hey… saying nothing at all is better than, oh I don’t know, “Yep, and he’s a nigra. You betcha.”

To think that Palin has patted this retard of a country on the back in prior speeches for being the kind of place where a woman can run for national office, for recognizing people’s value regardless of race or gender. You sure you don’t want to take that back now? Or maybe you’re just going to stay the course on this one after all, Miss Maverick.

In the end, this is just more proof that she’ll do anything to win votes, be it by comparing herself to Hillary Clinton who is literally her opposite, in every instance, down to a fucking molecular level, endangering the country she claims to love so much by actually running for Vice President in the first place, or by allowing herself to become the candidate for idiotic, troglodyte racist assbags, who only deserve representation in the form of being dragged behind their rusted out Ford F-150s. Bitter? You betcha!

Earlier this year, pundits were saying that if Obama is elected, it would mean our country has finally gotten past the idea of race. Clearly, this is far from the case — if anything this election has repeatedly highlighted the fact that our country is not past any kind of prejudice, be it over issues of religion, sex, or race. And should it come as any surprise that our country is still wildly bigoted considering the past eight years have seen our society discourage education, open-mindedness and enlightenment in favor of fear, ignorance and religious fervor time and time again? Seriously, I haven’t felt like it was this uncool to be smart since fucking grade school.

[Wonkette]

Vote!

No, it’s not another True Blood advertisement! Yuck, yuck. No, it’s a viral ad that incites panic and forces impressionable masses to conform to a dubious civic behavior — voting.

This is a Japanese version of Jenny & Dean’s “Vote” sign that’s popping up all over NYC and other blue cities that hardly need chic signage to steer them away from Sarah Palin. But now that I have your attention, if you’re from California, please remember to request your vote by mail paperwork. Aside from voting for the president, there’s a pretty significant proposition on your ballot. Proposition 8 is a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage in California and, in effect, will nullify tens of thousands of legal marriages already sanctioned by the state. Thanks to an incredibly organized and well funded movement supported by the Mormon church (no joke), the proposition’s passage is now a toss-up.

So if you’re from California, and aren’t going to be home on Nov. 4th, then you should really take a second and fill out this form. Also legalize weed.

[A Truly Frightening Prospect]

If your brain’s become a continuous loop of economy, election, economy, election, econolection, then it’s time for some distraction. Things are getting too serious in these parts, and since we’re all going to have less free time next year anyway (bread lines are time consuming), now’s when we should be keeping our hearts as light as our wallets.

Respect Authority planned The Future Freaks Me Out in advance this week, maybe because we’re organized, or maybe because we attended a wedding on Saturday, so Sunday is all about rest, red Gatorade and recovery. Enjoy. Read More ›

“Well, I’m very very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing,” Palin said, “any hint of any kind of unethical activity there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that.”

Bold.

[ABC]

During a 20,000-person rally in Virginia yesterday, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, shockingly, got confused. When a large group of people some 100 yards away from the stage yelled to her that they couldn’t hear, the former beauty queen apparently mistook their cries of “Louder! Louder” for, I don’t know, “We hate America!” because she responded “I hope those protestors have the courage and honor to give veterans thanks for their right to protest.”

I know it’s hard Sarah, but try to know your friends from your enemies. Here’s a quick guide:
FRIENDS: John McCain
ENEMIES: Everyone the fuck else

Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK)

A bipartisan inquiry has concluded that Sarah Palin abused, dominated, and sexually humiliated her gubernatorial powers in the pursuit of a personal vendetta against Alaska state trooper Mike Wooten.

Walt Monegan, Palin’s former public safety commissioner, was dismissed for refusing to participate in the effort to have Trooper Wooten, Palin’s ex brother-in-law, fired.  She unlawfully intimidated and pressured subordinates in the attempt to get them to carry out her demands; additionally the inquiry found that:

Ms. Palin wrongfully allowed her husband, Todd, to use state resources as part of the effort to have Trooper Wooten dismissed.

It’s unlikely the legislature will hold Palin accountable in any substantial way and I doubt this will hurt McCain in the polls.  In fact it may rally more rednecks behind them.

The whole “incident” has “homegrown” “Christian” “values” written all over it.  Palin, as governor, has the right to fire any of her appointees for any reason so she hasn’t done anything illegal, just douchey. Besides, what the East-coast commies wouldn’t understand is that Sarah and Todd were just trying to do right by theirs.  Its not like Wooten, bless his heart, is a good trooper (which entails defending Alsaka from the evil rearing head of Valdamir Putin).  He illegally shot a moose, tasered his stepson, and once drank beer on duty (all of which I mistakenly assumed to be job expectations he did not meet).

For most supporters, Troopergate (ugh) will paint the Palins as normal folk who tried to make a shitty husband pay for torturing a family member with an annoying custody battle and divorce.  For everyone else this is just more anecdotal evidence to something we all already know — if Todd Palin gets to the White House, he’s going to get his wife to start a war with Canada because he’s got a snowmobilin’ feud with some hoser from British Columbia.

[nytimes.com]

Denzel’s ragtag posse of inner-city students ain’t got nothing on America’s heartland. Last night, representatives from two of the least relevant states in the country duked it over, well, everything. I find it increasingly ironic that people from Alaska and Delaware—the former no one’s been to, the latter I’m not even positive is a state—continue to argue about which of them better represents the everyday American. Listen you two; in everyday America things are way different than they are in either of your respective homelands. For one, most of us don’t see polar bears every, or sip the morning’s coffee while gazing at the gigantic fucking pipeline outside our window. And for two, most of us have sales tax in our states, Joe, those being states you also can’t drive through in less than 20 minutes. Read More ›

Politics, politics, politics.

I’m going to be completely honest here… I’ll give you “straight talk” if you will, since we sure haven’t heard that expression enough lately, but Sarah Palin, crazy as fuck as she is, is a whole lot less fun when she’s memorized all her lines.

CNN reported earlier on Thursday that Palin claimed the reason she’s come off badly in recent interviews is that, “I think they’re just not used to someone coming in from the outside saying, ‘You know what? It’s time that normal Joe Six-Pack American is finally represented in the position of vice presidency.” Ah yes, since that normal Joe Six-Pack American has only been represented in the presidency for the past, oh I don’t know, eight fucking years. Maybe she missed that memo? Read More ›

Photo Credit: Reuters

Early yesterday, NPR posted a story on Presidential grandpa McCain insisting that the bailout must pass, which is certainly news if I’ve ever seen it, since he’s only said that like fifteen times before.

I’m serious — our understanding of what news is has changed, particularly since the onset of the 2008 National Popularity Contest, and I think the definition is now something like “every time a political candidate farts.” Okay, that was a little facetious. But I am pretty sure an item doesn’t qualify as news anymore unless the exact same story has been covered at least two dozen times… per news outlet I mean. Really, I don’t think CNN.com writes more than four original sentences a day anymore.

Regardless, the truly interesting thing about the story are not the 7 other paragraphs I’ve read countless times, but this little gem from John “The Maverick” McAverick himself:

“I’ve turned to her [Alaska governor and all around charmer Sarah Palin - RA] for advice many times in the past,” McCain says. “I can’t imagine turning to Sen. [Barack] Obama or [Sen. Joseph] Biden because they’ve been wrong. They were wrong about Iraq. They were wrong about Russia.”

Wait, wait wait… wait… wait. You’ve asked Sarah Palin for advice… many times? What, in the month that you’ve known her?! Look, I realize butchering a presidential race is a lot of hard work, but if you’ve asked Sarah Palin for advice many times throughout the course of a month, you must really need some help. Read More ›