Respect Authority

Alright, there’s been a lot of food / fatness related content lately. So what better way to put that to rest than suggest a really fantastic diet program? It even worked for Santa… I mean come on, that guy was fat!

Seriously though… this is insane.

There are a lot of things I plan to own when I’m old that would be considered unacceptable at the ripe age of 23: orthopedic shoes, canned prunes, a subscription to AARP. But while growing older justifies more than a few forays into the realm of the uncool, there are some things it’s never acceptable to possess, and nonsensical Christmas paraphernalia is at the top of my list.

It’s not that I have anything against Christmas decor, per se. As we speak, my apartment is decked out with a whopping three items: a one-foot-tall knit Christmas tree that, despite a 100+ year presence in my family, somehow ended up in the hands of the person with by far the least Christmas spirit; a cheap Santa hat draped creatively over a lampshade; and a $5.99 stuffed dog on a sled that barks “Jingle Bells” when you pinch his ear. Which I bought primarily in an effort to frighten the cat.

As you can see, I am nothing if not festive. It was in fact that very holiday spirit that temporarily desensitized me to the abundance of Christmas decor in my mother’s house - that and the beeline I made for the eggnog. But upon closer inspection, of which I have had plenty of time to conduct being trapped in suburbia without friends for three days, I began to notice that my house has at some point in the last few years become a veritable dumping ground for the detritus of every Christmas kiosk in at least a 50 mile radius.

For one, there are at least three decapitated Santa heads, though I’ve chosen to photographically document only that which I have long considered the most creepy and least jolly. It appears as though someone found a miniature Santa, threw him in the guillotine, and mailed the result to my mother as a pint-sized bundle of Christmas joy. Dude doesn’t even look cheerful. Read More ›