Respect Authority

Remember how it made headlines - and by headlines I mean Gawker’s - when news emerged that the latest cast of  losers to populate MTV’s The Real World included the show’s first-ever post-op tranny? Well little does Viacom know that just one network over, another tranny - with a more sophisticated disguise - is in residence on VH1’s Rock of Love Bus.

Farrah (pictured), who made a name for herself on Day 1 with the memorable (and suggestive) declaration “I think when I’m drunk I’m a lesbian,” has since flown completely under the radar — primarily because the show only has room for one sarcastic and condescending bitch, a role Ashley has undertaken with impressive determination. Ironically, Ashley - if one will remember my initial post - herself looks like a post-op, but in a more tragic “I know you’re actually just a really unfortunate looking woman with a lot of makeup on” way. She proably got picked on as a child.

Back to Farrah. The ladies this past week took a trip to Chicago’s Horseshoe Casino, where Bret played a show at “The Venue,” which sounds (and looked) pretty decent until one takes a gander at The Venue’s upcoming performances, which include “Acrobatics of Hebei China,” Air Supply and something called “The Australian Bee Gees show.” God only knows where Bret would have been performing if he didn’t have a reality TV show.

The object of the challenge was to dismantle a stage and pack it away in a trailer, all while wearing impressively slutty lingerie ensembles, which weren’t specifically mandated but seemed to be all the girls’ interpretation of “dress to impress.” Farrah, for her part, pulled off a semi-one-piece - even with those broad shoulders and a suspicious lack of hips or butt.

Since I’m not really putting Farrah’s possession of a penis up for debate here - I’ve been 100% sure for at least two episodes - I’m more concerned at this point with when - and how exactly - Bret Michaels is going to make the discovery. Will it be soon - perhaps during a poorly timed swimming challenge? Or later, during one of his “overnight” visits? I can only hope it’s the former; considering how worked up Bret got last week over one girl’s alleged mockery of his hair extensions, I can only imagine the wrath that would stem from this sort of revelation. Every rose has its thorn indeed.

Remember how in Batman Forever Jim Carrey’s Riddler steals people’s intelligence while simultaneously beaming television directly into their brains?

Well, Jim Carrey failed — ostensibly because Batman is the shit — but I’m 98% sure he wouldn’t have if Bret Michaels had signed on to beam Rock of Love Bus directly into the collective psyche of the masses.

It’s not that I expected ROLB to be bad, nor did I approach it with the same trepidation as Rock of Love Charm School, or the first few episodes of I Love Money. Bret Michaels, trashy girls, alcohol: these are the makings of great television, and VH1 would have been hard-pressed to fuck this one up. What I didn’t quite expect, however, was that the network, with its ever-lowering standards of both dignity and decency, still had the power to shock me.

I think I’ve mentioned this in the past, but the overall strength of ROLB is the fact that it’s predicated on the idea of Bret Michaels being an active rock star. In fairness, the first episode does include an actual Bret Michaels concert, and it does seem to be rather crowded – but being able to sell out a show in middle America does not, for me at least, equate to being the object of desire for 20+ women who would give up a few months of their lives to compete on national television for your affection. I mean, I’m pretty sure even Hootie still sells out a few shows.
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