Respect Authority

You know you have a problem when your “back from vacation” To Do list has “Catch up on television” right after “Deal with 900+ work-related e-mails.” So it was with some trepidation, and no small amount of shame, that I set about tackling the hours of reality and non-reality fare I missed during my weeklong sojourn to the Jersey shore. Proud of this dedication I am not.

In the world of recurring shows, I didn’t miss much. Charm School ended its completely underwhelming run. Risky took the $100,000 prize, with which she plans to start a charity for children with incarcerated parents, a far cry from first-season winner Saaphyri’s ambitions of starting her own line of “lip chap.” So I guess progress is being made. On Daisy of Love, Daisy glossed over actually endearing though eerily tan Flex in favor of London, who was actually kicked off weeks ago but returned to steal his prize about three episodes back. Far better than watching Daisy make the predictable choice was witnessing her dismissal of reality-show veteran 12 Pack, who proceeded to attempt the closest approximation at crying a man can accomplish on steroids. Truly touching. On NYC Prep, Bravo came ever closer to revealing the overtly obvious gayness of its main character, and on Real World, there was more fighting, flirting, drinking and fighting and flirting while drinking.

No, the real gems of the week past came in the form of new shows, which I might have otherwise dutifully reviewed individually but will instead round up in one massive reality-show tirade.

MORE TO LOVE: Ever since Fox began promoting this “The Bachelor for fat people” reality series, I’ve been waiting with something close to impatience for the show to debut. As it turns out, my gleeful anticipation was not in vain; More to Love is pretty much everything I hoped for, and then some (Get it? More?). About half of the premiere episode was devoted to meeting the 20 ladies who will be vying for the heart of real estate developer Luke. Ever-classy, Fox made sure to display not only participants’ names and occupations, but also heights and weights, because there’s no faster fast track to self-confidence than total disclosure. The cast showed considerable diversity; although all of the women are “big,” the body types range from unimpressively average to downright obese. Some had sob stories about being judged based on their appearances, others spoke pragmatically about the frustrations of being the overweight girl amongst skinny friends, and still others unabashedly claimed confidence in their full figure. One even joked that, as an Iowa native, she might teach our chubby bachelor “how to milk a cow.” I’m pretty sure no pun was intended, but kudos to Luke for not even cracking a smile. This show promises to induce both sympathy and laughter in equal measures.

MEGAN WANTS A MILLIONAIRE: VH1’s answer to filling the Charm School time slot, Megan Wants a Millionaire is exactly what I would have come up with if asked to develop a new show with minimal innovation and maximum potential. Megan, of Rock of Love, Charm School and I Love Money fame (to say nothing of Playboy or Beauty and the Geek), has reprised her collection of barely-there bikinis and stripper dresses in an effort to woo some 20 bachelor millionaires, each of whom is either looking for love (unlikely) or expensive eye candy (probable). Though Megan’s high-pitched voice and minimal brain power make her contributions to the show satisfactory at best (VH1 was smart to keep the episodes at a half hour), the diversity and sheer desperation of the show’s men make it wildly entertaining. I have no doubt that Megan will oust one dud after another, starting with the heinously ugly and culminating with the elderly, crazy or retarded. In truth, there are only a handful of men participating who, wealth aside, might be in any way conceivable as romantic partners for any woman, let alone one of Megan’s physical attributes. That said, watching this rather pathetic cast of freaks court our model turned-reality-star is inherently satisfying; Megan, who had probably pictured a sea of gorgeous 30-something moguls, is instead doomed to at least a month of schmoozing with the detritus of the wealthy world. (See Donald).

REAL CHANCE OF LOVE 2: I suspect the first incarnation of this show was one of VH1’s most underrated reality endeavors. While dating competitions involving Daisy, Megan, or even Bret Michaels fail to amuse except in the completely exploitative sense, Real and Chance combine exploitation with, well, good old-fashioned comedy. There are key elements of this show’s premise about which I’m still unsure: Are Real and Chance even vaguely interested in actual love? Are The Stallionaires really musicians? Where do they find these women? But ultimately, none of the answers matter. Throw two dozen mentally unstable females in a ranch-themed house with two undeniably hilarious brothers—the first episode alone involved Real and Chance making Chewbacca noises at one suspiciously tall woman, and wondering aloud whether another’s “orange suit” (artificial tan) was affecting her brain power—and prepare for a televised masterpiece.