Respect Authority

Too Fast, Too Furious

If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Hmm, The Fast & The Furious cast …where are they now?” then these last few months have given you your answers: Same. Fucking. Place.

Indeed, pretty much the entire cast of the 2001 blockbuster is returning this week for reprisal Fast & Furious, which Wikipedia calls an “interquel” in the lucrative but retarded F&F series.

Chronologically, the movie takes place between the second and third films, which means little to anyone who didn’t take the time to see of any the F&F follow-ups (read: the entire population). It reunites fugitive Dom Toretto (Vin Diesel) with policeman/agent/some sort of governmental authority figure with gelled hair Brian O’Connor (Paul Walker). Forced, by what will undoubtedly be some shoddy plot devices, to confront a shared enemy, and flanked by their original lady friends, the two must work together, which history tells us means driving really fast cars while making witty banter about one another’s ability to drive really fast cars.

This is hardly the first time original cast members have returned years later to reprise their career-making roles. Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 3, Dr. Alan Grant in Jurassic Park 3, Yoda in Phantom Menace. Sadly, however, none of the F&F crew really has a career and their about-face reeks of desperation rather than loyalty to the brand.
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Fast and the Furious jokes are still relevant right? Considering the headline accompanying our highbrow debate coverage, I would hope we haven’t exhausted all of the mockery we can possibly squeeze out of such a rich, complex film.

BOOOOOOOM! found this on some random forum, the meme possibly originating from a Fast and the Furious fansite (no word on what the fuck anyone is doing going to one of those, or more importantly, why there are any Fast and the Furious fansites in the first place). Personally, I’m going to be using the image to test for alien invasion in the future — anyone who can resist this comedic kryptonite’s power is clearly not human.