Respect Authority

I hate to do one obesity-related post so soon after another — seriously, I do think about other things, like drugs and sex and such — but this weekend’s New York Times Magazine was “the food issue,” and so I’ve just spent the better part of a morning/mid-afternoon reading one article after another on what works and what doesn’t when it comes to regulating our food intake, or asking professional scientists to regulate it for us. All in all, I discovered little by way of new information: It would seem that consuming fewer calories than we burn continues to be the most successful method of losing weight. Shocker.

But one good thing did come of those 25,000+ words. This. The “Double Down” sandwich from KFC, currently being tested in Rhode Island and Nebraska, ostensibly because neither state is known for being particularly obese, or known, period. (If a tree falls in Nebraska, and so on).

This newest “sandwich” from KFC, which isn’t featured anywhere on the chain’s actual Web site (for obvious public-relations-nightmare-waiting-to-happen reasons), is bacon and cheese and sauce slapped between not bread, or meat-infused-bread, but rather bread-infused meat — i.e. two breaded chicken patties. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

I really wish this was a hoax. Video here. Also, here’s a poor-quality commercial, (with the much-needed explanation: “We just didn’t have room for a bun”).

KFC has quite obviously taken a page out of the SNL book. Check it out:

P.S. After the fact, Aaron and I thought perhaps RA should contribute its own list of potential fat-food combinations. Consider these motherfuckers copyrighted. I’m talking to you, Popeyes.

1. Turducken Taco, with fire sauce

2. Bacon Double Jamaican Meat Patty

3. Pizza-Stuffed Pizza (Also available: Stuffed Crust Pizza-Stuffed Pizza)

4. Bagel-Dog Enchiladas with Nacho Cheese and Chili

5. Deep-Fried Sloppy Joes

I knew this day would come. With all the mud slinging that goes on in the world of politics, the nation’s obsession with obesity, and the undeniable stigma of being a fat anything these days—doctor, teacher, waiter—it was only a matter of time between two worlds collided in a big explosion of rhetoric and cholesterol.

The New York Times came out with a story today on the utterly boring but I guess somewhat relevant governor’s race in New Jersey. Incumbent John Corzine, in a new television ad, less-than-discreetly alludes to his adversary’s, well, weight. In the ad, gubernatorial hopeful Christopher Christie (by the by, what kind of fucking name is this?) steps out of an SUV in slow motion, “his extra girth moving … in several different directions at once,” as the Times so eloquently puts it. The narrator, meanwhile, says Christie “threw his weight around” to avoid traffic tickets.

This isn’t the first time Corzine’s commercials have, let us say, highlighted Christie’s weight, though the governor denies it (after having watched the ad, I too think Christie’s camp, or at least the Times, is overreacting). But it may very well be the latest in what I would consider an impending paradigm shift—weight, once a completely off-limits subject for any public figure outside the realm of entertainment celebrity, is becoming a sticking point. When Regina Benjamin was nominated for surgeon general, people were quick to question whether she was “too fat” for the job.

This isn’t to say that I haven’t been critical of obesity time and time again on this site — but I don’t think someone’s judgment when it comes to cheeseburgers is related to their judgment on public policy. Shit, if love of cheeseburgers and holding informed political opinions were mutually exclusive, I’d have a damn hard time choosing between the two. Especially if the cheeseburgers were from McDonald’s.

Moreover, were I running for any public office in the great state of New Jersey, I would avoid making critical comments, however subtle, on the basis of my opponent’s appearance. Especially if I looked just like John Hammond from Jurassic Park.

[NY Times]

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Sadly, were this nutritional notice places on all foods in the city, I have a sneaking suspicion the sarcasm would be lost on many.

Concentrated healthy eating hasn’t been possible since the birth of McDonald’s, so God gave us diets. But diets, with their rules and costs and weird approximations of chocolate-flavored things, were just too hard, so God gave us drugs. But drugs, which peeled off the pounds faster than you could say “my liver hurts, is that a side effect?,” were apparently dangerous, so God gave us surgery. And now, with layoffs mounting and health care coverage about as effective as an umbrella made of Swiss cheese, surgery is too expensive, so God gave us something new: denial.

If you can’t beat ‘em, eat cheesecake—or so goes the mantra of a group of fatties documented in a New York Times article today. The story outlines the sentiments of a growing movement, a so-called “loose alliance of therapists, scientists and others” (read: unapologetic fat people) who believe that people, “‘even’ fat people, can eat whatever they want and, in the process, improve their physical and mental health and stabilize their weight.” In other words, some cross between “If you stop obsessing about what you eat, you’ll probably eat okay,” and “It’s totally okay to order five cheeseburgers.” Read More ›

Some mornings the papers are so rife with bizarre news tidbits that I’m forced to question whether the world really is going to shit. If this is indeed the case, at least we’ll go down with some humor:

THE NYPD ISSUED a report Wednesday charging managers and developers of high-profile skyscrapers, and other city buildings, with taking additional steps to guard against terrorist attacks. Because we all know construction firms are offering that new “anti-airplane” protection these days.

SPEAKING OF AIRPLANES—and in this week’s “miraculous ending to otherwise awful airplane-related tragedy”—a Yemenia Airways jetliner flying from Yemen to Comoros Islands with 153 people on board crashed yesterday after hitting bad weather. Rescue teams retrieved several bodies from the Indian Ocean, including one survivor, a 14-year-old girl, who clung to wreckage from the plane for 13 hours! Details have since emerged that the airline has been cited multiple times for safety violations, which (seriously… Yemenia Airways?!) should come as no surprise.

JUST WHEN I thought I was downright cool for having lived on Malcolm X Boulevard (well, cool meets “new way in which to make my mother apprehensive about me living in New York”), Queens is renaming the corner of 205th Street and Hollis Avenue “Run-DMC JMJ Way,” after the eponymous rap group’s DJ Jason Mizell (aka Jam Master Jay), who was shot in a recording studio in Queens seven years ago. Ironically, considering the lyrical motive, the new name doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

ABOUT FIVE YEARS too late, a federal advisory panel voted Tuesday to recommend a ban on Percocet and Vicodin, two of the most popular prescription painkillers. The panel also voted in favor of the FDA reducing the highest allowed dose of acetaminophen in over-the-counter pills like Tylenol, but against reducing the number of pills in a bottle. ..So this is like when they “solved” the Nyquil problem by putting bigger bottles behind the counter, which certainly didn’t keep me from waking up in Vegas last weekend with a bucket of quarters and a massive headache.

THE SOUTH WILL indeed rise again, but only in the sense that grow and rise are synonyms. According to a new report from Trust for America’s Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, Mississippi is still the fattest state in the nation, but Alabama is totes catching up. Nonetheless, at an obesity rate of 32.5%, Ole’ Miss is a five-time champion. Personally, I think it has something to do with Sonic.

I imagine I’m fairly late in jumping on the bandwagon that is “hating MeMe Roth,” the publicist and mother of two who was profiled in the New York Times today for starting shit with her kids’ elementary school over their apparently terrorist-level distribution of junk food.

Roth, who the Times carefully avoids labeling an out-and-out crazy, has engaged in an ongoing e-mail battle with administrators at the school, over “junk food served on special occasions: the cupcakes that come out for every birthday, the doughnuts her children were once given in gym, the sugary ‘Fun-Dip’ packets that some parent provided the whole class on Valentine’s Day.” Indeed, rather than simply instruct her health-conscious children to abstain from the frivolous snacking, Roth has the kids pack up whatever non-meal food they’re given in Tupperware and bring it home to her, ostensibly so she can craft her vitriolic e-mails with more detail… and vitriol. Read More ›

Planning to hit up Burger King, right after wrestling practice.

Queens Councilman Eric Gioia is proposing that new fast-food restaurants be prohibited within a tenth of a mile of existing schools — which in New York City geography might as well be five miles — a reaction to unsurprising study data showing young teenagers tend to be fatter when there are fast-food restaurants within one block of their school. The suggestion comes on top of new regulations limiting the sugar content of drinks sold in schools, which put the kibosh on soda and juice sales earlier this month. 

Though the study results themselves have caused no small amount of ire — restaurant advocates argue that the survey doesn’t establish cause-and-effect, nor does it take into account that fast-food eateries offer more than just cheesebrugers — I have no problem accepting that teens educated within a block of a McDonald’s will go there, and often. There was a brief period in my own high schools days where “lunch” meant Twix and Mountain Dew, until some equally invasive rule-making in Maryland public schools left vending machines turned off until after fifth period. 

Rather, this proposal irks me on principle. It’s certainly necessary to acknowledge the “if you build it, they will come” mentality that dictates many a young teen’s food choices, but it is no way necessary to cater to it. By taking away kids’ opportunity to make a consciously intelligent decision with respect to food, we’re doing nothing to encouarge that kind of decision-making in other walks of life — say, after they leave this kind of regulated eating environment. 

Nor is fast-food really the root of the problem. I’ve stood in a bodega at 8 a.m. with my coffee and newspapers and watched people of all ages buy candy, soda and chips for breakfast. At no time of the day or night have I seen either the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut combo store, or the Crown Fried Chicken near my apartment, devoid of customers. The bottom line is that junk food tastes fairly incredible, and unless the long-term effects of poor eating can be impressed upon people at a young age — and in an educational, rather than passive-aggressive way — we stand virtually no chance of eradicating obesity in this country. For every variation on the “make your own salad” eatery, there will be five McDonald’s, but more importantly - they will always sell ice cream at the grocery store, or candy at the bodega, or bacon bits right next to the eight choices of lettuce. There will always be a way to eat shitty food, and as long as there is - and unless we really and truly know better - we’ll always do it.

Want to look older? Eat a lot!

A new study released this week shows obese children as young as ten years old have the arteries of 45-year-olds, as well as a series of other abnormalities that raise their risk of heart disease. Considering that about a third of American children are overweight, one-fifth are obese, and we don’t even have enough Social Security left for the actual 45-year-olds, this is bad for both health care and the future of our society, though perhaps good news for Gymboree Big & Tall.

Okay, that doesn’t exist.

“As the old saying goes, you’re as old as your arteries are,” Dr. Geetha Raghuveer of a Kansas City children’s hospital told The Associated Press. Despite the fact that I would hardly classify that as an “old saying,” the doc has it right. Kids these days are just piling on the pounds that the rest of us earned after hard-fought battles with “adult things” like beer, and nacho cheese. Read More ›

Dear fat woman next to me on the J train today,

I’m sorry you’re fat. There, is that what you wanted me to say? I’m really truly sorry that I underestimated your size when I tried to sit down between you and that relatively skinny woman, before realizing what a huge mistake it was. I’m sorry that I then didn’t get up, but sat on the absolute edge of the minimal seating available to me, simply because I thought getting up again immediately would hurt your big fat fatty feelings.

And I’m really sorry that I accidentally sat on the 0.5 inches of your jacket that happened to be on the 0.8 inches of seat available to me. When you snatched said jacket away from me, as though my acid ass was going to disintegrate it during our ten-minute journey, I felt so bad I almost cried. Then, five minutes later, when you told me I should “learn some manners” because I happened to lean slightly to reach into my bag, well gee whiz, I almost died of shame. I wanted to do whatever I could to alleviate the situation: apologize, beg for forgiveness, hand you money, electronics, cheeseburgers.

I feel awful for you — I know how hard it is, the constant assault of fast food advertisements, the feeling that it’s just not possible to drink less than four milkshakes a day. It’s not fair that scales don’t go up to 700 pounds, or that roller coasters can’t seat obese people, or that you might have to pay for two spots on a plane. I’m sorry the world doesn’t empathize as they should with your plight, not the plight of the overweight, or the “large,” but of the morbidly obese. I’m sorry the subway seats are so damn small.

And I’m totally sorry that I may or may not have mumbled “You should lose some weight” under my breath.

But mostly I’m just sorry you didn’t hear me.