Respect Authority

Apologies are in order for my YouTube blog feeding tube of late. However, I’m about to be completely hypocritical and share yet another YouTube video. I’m sorry, I’m sorry — it’s really not my fault this was so awesome. I’m only trying to give you something to kill a few minutes with, because as any of us 9-to-5ers know, every little time waster counts.

I’ve posted about near-death experiences on the Mega Ramp before. And just like those that have nearly fallen prey to the ramp’s demands before, Bob Burnquist’s survival is nothing short of jaw-dropping. The difference here is that Bob doesn’t bail — despite fumbling his board mid-air, he still manages to wrangle it back under control, using some powers he picked up at Hogwarts last semester or something, and rides away! Seriously though, I’m pretty sure magic was involved here at some point. Black magic.

The video is not just entertaining, but also a mood lifter, as I feel much better about having a sprained knee after watching it. At least now I have an excuse for why I suck, otherwise this would just be fucking embarrassing.

This video from “action sports” circle-jerk Shred or Die shows that occasionally, people actually choose the “die” option. Here, weirdly-named professional surfer Valter Vale (seriously, it’s like his dad was Dracula Wale who actually wanted to name his son “Walter”) literally comes inches from snapping his totally tubular neck in this extremely poor display of judgment. To literally no one’s surprise but his, dropping in on a 50 foot high ramp is not quite like riding a wave, so his subsequent 30 mile an hour accidental backflip was pretty well deserved. One of my favorite things about skateboarding has always been its absolute readiness to punish those who don’t respect it, like the time my mom sprained her ankle after I convinced her it would be a good idea to try taking my board down a little hill. And yes, I am aware there is a special place in hell reserved for me, but I’m okay with that; I’ve always hated having roommates anyway.

Personally, I think it would be a shame if the first person to die on a megaramp wasn’t even a legitimate skateboarder, as we have certainly earned that particular fate for unleashing the grotesque perversion of ramp technology upon the world, and more importantly, ESPN2.

Of course, watching freak of skateboarding, Danny Way, annihilate the first megaramp ever built in 2003’s DC Video was incredible. Ultimately, however, the megaramp was just another way to inch skateboarding ever closer to Motocross levels of mainstream-pandering acrobatics. It’s sad that the only way to get skateboarding back as a highlight of the already lamentable X-Games was to make it as close an approximation of motorcycle sky dancing’s high-flying jumping jacks as possible, proving once and for all that nobody really wants to see these athletes do any actual tricks unless the potential for somebody to get massively fucked up is there.

The megaramp is our Roman Coliseum, where we are figuratively thrown to the lions for the cheering public’s ignorant enjoyment. Mainstream TV audiences don’t care about skateboarders; they care about skateboarders getting hurt in spectacular falls. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wash down all this bile with about 10 Monster energy drinks.

[Shred or Die]