Respect Authority

The August, 1985 issue of Ebony — curiously the last issue of Ebony to know a world without my iron will’s influence rippling through it — ran a feature by Chicago artist Nathan Wright, depicting what the day’s black celebrities would look like in the murky, far-flung reaches of our future… yes, of course I am referring to the year 2000.

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The artist presumed that “time will be kind to today’s black stars,” however, this was undoubtedly assuming 1985’s black stars didn’t turn themselves into circus sideshows entirely on their own. Indeed, it would have been hard for Wright to picture a future where Michael Jackson had actually transformed into a white star. But it’s hardly his fault, Terminator 2: Judgment Day wouldn’t come out for another six years, hell, George W. Bush wouldn’t even be elected as president until the year 2000 — there was simply no way to know that the future would be such a dark fucking place.

So Wright understandably missed the mark when he said, “At 40, [The Moonwalker in question] will have aged gracefully and will have a handsome, more mature look.” Yeah… it would be kind of difficult to say he got that right, unless “a handsome, more mature look” means “resembling a living animé character made entirely out of porcelain.”

Anyway, this one probably should have been left to rest, but it was just so gosh-darned, um, thrilling I couldn’t help but raise it from the dead. Although now methinks I may just be beating it to… er… death. Aw jeez… does anyone know any good Farrah Fawcett or Billy Mays jokes?