Respect Authority

As if we aren’t constantly pummeled by Hollywood with reasons to be terrified of the future as it is (the Terminator, Alien, and Matrix trilogies, to name a few — and is it really any coincidence that in all three series, the individual films get increasingly terrible as the future progresses? Improving situations are just not part of the fabric of the future, as opposed to robot holocausts, alien invasions, and liquid food), this weekend the movie-making money machine was up to it yet again with another blow to American optimism in these uncertain times. Yes, that’s right, my friends — Four Christmases debuted in the number one slot at the box office.

Despite the fact that, in recent years, Christmas movies are almost by definition devoid of the potential for enjoyment, studios continue to produce them, and that’s only because they know audiences will continue to gobble them up like the roast beast at the Whoville Christmastime feast. Culturally, we are Christmas’ slave, and there is no escape now that we’ve let ourselves be stuffed into its stocking.

Dan Fellman, head of distribution for Warner Bros., describes the oppressive holiday movie atmosphere a little differently, you know, as if he wasn’t a blood-sucking Hollywood drone nourished solely by greed. He chalks up Four Christmases entirely undeserved profits by saying, “It was the perfect time. It’s the only movie out there that deals with Christmas.” And there it is, in carefully veiled terms — “we know you fools are powerless against the artificial charms of old Mr. Kringle, so why don’t you just come over here and sit on Santy’s lap.” Read More ›

Later today, a dozen complete losers will descend on Times Square to participate in the Netflix-sponsored Movie Watching World Championship, wherein they will be forced to watch 60 films in a row, many of which have been chosen for their sheer tedium.

Trapped in a Truman Show-esque Plexiglass theater, the participants are hoping to break the current Guinness record of endurance movie watching, which currently stands at a whopping 120 hours and 23 minutes – or approximately five days.

Among the contestants are, I expect, a bunch of people with truly dismal social lives, including New Yorker Crazy Legs Conti, who in addition to having one of the most ridiculous names in human history, also participated in Coney Island’s hot dog eating contest earlier this year. Lucky for Crazy Legs, training for the two separate events was probably easy to do simultaneously. Read More ›