Respect Authority

I’m hesitant to say that the new Tron Legacy trailer is the latest entry in the dark realm of things nerds inappropriately masturbate to, but only because nerds really never stopped whacking off to Tron in the first place.

Now, due to my ongoing crusade to fill the gaps left in a world without Michael Jackson (which so far has involved far too much babysitting), I decided to share an alternate version of the Tron Legacy trailer instead, which features a perfectly synced up “Beat It” as the soundtrack — making this suddenly much cooler… in a homoerotic digital gang fight kind of way.

Plus, now any overexcited Comic Con attendees won’t even have to feel bad about their dirty little CGI fantasies considering the King of Pop himself is essentially ordering them to “just beat it.” Then again, it is a movie about a video game so… take that as you will. Not everything in life is about masturbation after all. Just most things.

It kind of redefines the concept of an 80s classics mash-up — it’s just as surprising and nostalgically amusing as Girl Talk, but didn’t require nearly as many half-naked hipsters to get there.

However, if I had to choose a classic sci-fi mindfuck to be recreated, I’d go with Total Recall. Unfortunately I think that title has already been reserved for the upcoming documentary about Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger’s career as Conan the Governor.

Yeesh… this post is dripping with so many movie references you’d think I crossed the streams.

The August, 1985 issue of Ebony — curiously the last issue of Ebony to know a world without my iron will’s influence rippling through it — ran a feature by Chicago artist Nathan Wright, depicting what the day’s black celebrities would look like in the murky, far-flung reaches of our future… yes, of course I am referring to the year 2000.

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The artist presumed that “time will be kind to today’s black stars,” however, this was undoubtedly assuming 1985’s black stars didn’t turn themselves into circus sideshows entirely on their own. Indeed, it would have been hard for Wright to picture a future where Michael Jackson had actually transformed into a white star. But it’s hardly his fault, Terminator 2: Judgment Day wouldn’t come out for another six years, hell, George W. Bush wouldn’t even be elected as president until the year 2000 — there was simply no way to know that the future would be such a dark fucking place.

So Wright understandably missed the mark when he said, “At 40, [The Moonwalker in question] will have aged gracefully and will have a handsome, more mature look.” Yeah… it would be kind of difficult to say he got that right, unless “a handsome, more mature look” means “resembling a living animé character made entirely out of porcelain.”

Anyway, this one probably should have been left to rest, but it was just so gosh-darned, um, thrilling I couldn’t help but raise it from the dead. Although now methinks I may just be beating it to… er… death. Aw jeez… does anyone know any good Farrah Fawcett or Billy Mays jokes?

I don’t know if Elton John will sing a personalized version of “Candle in the Wind” at his Superbowl-sized funeral. I don’t know if this will have any impact on Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen’s box office draw (you know, considering MJ was the original transformer). And I don’t know if your children are finally safe now, but one thing’s for sure… Jon and Kate must be psyched.