Respect Authority

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Fucking Mexico. I mean seriously. Fucking. Mexico.

Thanks to the national prowess of our neighbor to the south, we as a country are out thousands of jobs, I personally am addicted to sour cream, and now there’s swine flu.

On Wednesday, the U.S. reported that a 23-month-old Texas child became the country’s first death related to the virus. To put that number in context, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said it had received reports of 53 seasonal flu-related deaths in children during the current flu season. 53! Which isn’t to say that children dying isn’t inherently tragic, but is to say that one death can’t be analyzed in a vacuum. In addition to saying the darndest things, kids also have weaker immune systems. 

And while ‘Merica is just starting to feel the effects of “pandemicamonium,” which is in some way officially sanctioned now that we’ve actually had a fatality, Mexico is in absolute batshit SARS mask lockdown, with schools, restaurants and resorts closed or quarantined. 

In New York, officials say a recent school trip to Cancun may be the culprit for dozens of St. Francis Prep students getting infected, and subsequently bringing the virus to a tightly-packed city of 8 million. Which got me to thinking, if swine flu (pigs?) were making a conscious geographical decision, then at least it was a good one. More than once have I longed for some sort of medical outbreak to hit Cancun, preferably in the midst of spring break season and ideally when it’s populated by bikini-clad MTV groupies. If Carson Daly could be there too, well then I might die a happy woman. 

In all seriousness though, this is the last thing we need. I happened to, in a prophetic moment of movie renting, watch Quarantine this past weekend. If that movie told me anything about biological warfare — between man and man, or man and pig — it’s that we’re all going to die, probably in a pre-war apartment building, after being savagely bitten by our friends and family. Which makes sense, since that’s basically how things are in Mexico all the time.

Well I never!

First they taunt us with ironically entertaining but completely brainwashing D.A.R.E sessions, then they infiltrate our televisions with endless public service announcements. They even put a damper on our ability to drive through a McDonald’s high without double-checking for pigtail-wearing girls on tricycles. And I hate doing that! 

And now, of all the things, they’re trying to steal our day. Indeed, some anti-drug advocates are using April 20 — according to the Wall Street Journal, a day when “marijuana smokers around the country light up for an unofficial holiday celebrating pot that stems from smoker slang ‘420;’ thank you WSJ, bastion of all that is hip and knowing — to start a movement against pot that cites not only health and legal reasons, but moral ones. American pot smokers, the North Coastal Prevention Coalition claims, are unwittingly supporting drug cartels in Mexico. 

Five years ago, this sort of holier-than-thou attitude would have gotten any coalition a series of puzzled looks. “What’s a cartel? What’s Mexico?” but these days it’s become increasingly difficult to ignore story after story on the escalating violence across the border, the vast majority of it stemming from Mexico’s biggest industry: las drogas. Read More ›

My God, I’m hornier than a crown of thorns right now. …And so begins Offend-A-Catholicathon 2008!

Try saying “Catholicathon” aloud, by the way. Shit’s kind of tough.

As a commemoration to the December 12th celebration of the Virgin of Guadalupe (but really, as a last ditch effort to convince priests to masturbate to literally anything other than prepubescent boys), this month’s Playboy Mexican edition sports a girl wearing a tablecloth draped over her head on its cover. Scandalous!

If you think that’s hot, just wait until you see the pictures from Playgirl’s feature on Noah and his Ark. Subsequently, Bestiality Weekly is also doing a special on Noah and his Ark, however, it is currently being used in the Supreme Court as the benchmark for what constitutes “patently offensive” content in obscenity cases. Read More ›