Respect Authority

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The Large Hadron Collider’s world swallowing first particle smash has been “delayed” again to sometime in 2010, marking the umpteenth setback after a magnet quench lead to a debilitating nitrogen leak in early September.

CERN, in complete denial of the forces at work behind their technical difficulties, has vowed to get its machine working.

While I completely understand lots of money and reputations have been put on the line in the pursuit of this endeavor, I think its time these European geeks admit that they’ve been the victims of temporal sabotage.

All signs point to time travelin’ tomfoolery: an anomalous mechanical failure that cascades into a systemic crash which perpetually retards any effort to recover… barring a complete redesign of the entire system hinting at an omniscient understanding of the schematics that would have taken years to develop, and nerds.

Now, I’ve tried to imagine how we could recover from a scenario in which the LHC was turned on, the Earth destroyed by a Switzerland sided black hole, with all (if not most) of Earth’s population annihilated. In said situation, who would be our time traveling saviors? The crew of ISS Expedition 17 that’s who. They were in space when it happened, used their rocket boosters to fly into a solar flare and/or orbit the Earth backwards at an incredible rate, traveled back in time then snuck their way back onto terra firma embarking on a Ocean’s 13 style mission of scientific sabotage/Nazi art scalping.

You can forward your thank you notes to Astronauts Sergey Volkov (not American), Oleg Kononenko (not American), Garrett Reisman (American), and Gregory Chamitoff (also American).

[CNet News]