Respect Authority

A cursory Google News search yields nearly 5,000 stories related to “Kris Allen,” last night’s winner of the 87th season of American Idol. You might argue, in fact, that I’m only even posting about the show — which I don’t watch — in an effort to capture fans left shell-shocked by Allen’s apparently surprising win. Indeed, you could accuse me of being a slut for Google trends.

It’s an accusation I’ll gladly accept, because in contemplating various RA topics today, I found myself bombarded on all sides—by news outlets, blogs and the chatty mail room guy who fills in during our receptionist’s lunch breaks—with surprised exclamations: “He won?!” Although I have long since accepted that millions upon millions of people watch American Idol—some 100 million voted in the finale—it never ceases to amaze me the kind of water cooler gossip generated by this show.

The latest scandal appears to be this: Kris Allen, a golden boy from Arkansas, did the unthinkable, beating out eyeliner-wearing rocker Adam Lambert to be this season’s winner. Fans and bloggers alike, the vast majority of whom appear incredibly surprised by this outcome, speculate that Allen’s religious background, or appeal to tween girls, are behind the coup — so far, no one has suggested he snagged the win based on anything like “merit” or “ability to sing songs.”

Which leads me to wonder: imagine being Kris Allen right now. I mean sure, he just won American Idol, and even as a dark horse the guy undoubtedly has a fan base of braces-wearing, Trapper Keeper-using pre-teens. But no one, and I mean no one, thinks he should have won. CNN is calling the victory stunning (and not in the good way), HuffPo called it an “upset,” and “Kris Allen beats Adam Lambert” may soon trump thinly-veiled sexual allusions for the definition of “shocker.” Even the fucking Wall Street Journal wrote about this shit. A slew of journalists are tearing apart each performance, offering “expert analysis” on why, oh God why, Allen could have possibly scored the win here.

Seems unless you have the American public in your pocket, winning isn’t even worth it. Take a look at Ruben Studdard, victor of American Idol’s second season, who probably died of obesity-related health defects three years ago. Or Season Three winner Fantasia Barrino, whose victory over Jennifer Hudson pales in comparison to Hudson’s, you know, Academy Award. The bottom line is unless you write a song so pop-infused it becomes irresistible to literally every music fan ever (”Since You’ve Been Gone”) or amass a cult-like following of potentially deranged middle-Americans (Clay Aiken), you’re no idol of this America.