Respect Authority

Have you ever wondered what reality TV might look like if the entire population of our country played way too much Resident Evil? I’ve suddenly found new faith in the tired genre, and as usual, these groundbreaking heights of innovation have come from that neon alternate dimension floating in the Pacific Ocean, Japan.

This basically highlights the main difference between our two cultures — while we ‘Merkans are comfortable with our Coors Lights and watching pseudocelebrity princesses of vapidity fight over who has the coolest pair of high heels, the Japanese aspire to something greater, something more admirable… and that is, naturally, killing zombies with Tabasco sauce and plastic swords.

And so I worry for our mediocre TV culture and its 47 incarnations of The Real World. Will we ever be ready to submit our children to potential cases of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the name of comedy? Will we ever greet the day when we, as a country, can trick toddlers into fighting for their lives, watch it all, and laugh? For too long have we allowed our own economy to be the enemy, all the while losing sight of what terror really means: the stumbling, brain-eating undead courteously sending you a letter informing you that they will be breaking into your house.

Of course, if the living dead ever made it into VH1’s reality line-up, it’d probably resemble something more like a necrophiliac dating show hosted by Rob Zombie, possibly titled Night of the Loving Dead. And to think we call Japanese television weird.

Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms; creating or implanting embryos for experiments; creating human-animal hybrids; and buying, selling or patenting human embryos.

Like the Terminator warning a strong and beautiful Sarah Connor, President Bush warned us in 2006. George valiantly and absurdly cautioned us about letting scientists toy with our embryos, least we be overrun by killer human-animal hybrids… terminators.

The future is now. The uprising has begun. It started in Japan. Watch in horror: