Respect Authority

Can I just be the… billionth or so… person to say, “Holy fucking shit.”

It really happened. What is this, anyway? Some kind of modern country or some shit? Clearly, it’s time to start creating some “ANGRY IDIOTS FOR THE ASSASSINATION OF BARACK OBAMA” Facebook groups.

First of all, now that the silly election thing is over with, I feel like I should let you know that Barack Obama actually is a Muslim and a terrorist sympathizer, and, in fact, has a history of sleeping with both a copy of The Communist Manifesto and a defaced Precious Moments Bible under his pillow.

Nonetheless, throughout his campaign, Obama ran on a platform of hope. And clearly, he inspired hope in many American voters — including me, and I was under the impression that my capacity for hope had iced over years ago, that space in my heart left barren and forgotten, its haunting desolation not unlike that of lonely Pluto. Indeed, with Obama’s decisive victory against America’s oldest fart tonight, I regained some small amount of hope for the American people as a whole.

Understand that I drink an overfilled glass of negativity instead of orange juice every morning when I wake up, and as a result, think everything is always terrible, without question. So of course, it’s my belief that we hardly have any real reason to hope that we’ll see it out of the current economic case of the runs without losing even more of our assets yet. Nor do we have any reason to hope that Iraq won’t continue to be a mess of epic proportions, a mess that Tide Magic Stain Remover couldn’t even clean up. But today, there is hope that as a country, we are not entirely stupid. Read More ›