Respect Authority

Today, Greenpeace, (a.k.a. “goddamn tree-huggers”) shrouded the blank area next to President Lincoln’s face on Mt. Rushmore with a huge freaking banner that says “America honors leaders not politicians: Stop Global Warming” with Obama’s face as the background.

So as I understand it, Greenpeace is attempting to bribe the Leader of the Free World with a prime spot on Creepy Face Mountain in exchange for solving the world’s pollution problem. A lofty promise, indeed: is Obama to believe that Greenpeace’s members have the right or power to speak for all other American people in matters of national iconography? And if our idols are to be honored, should what some may call a defacement of a national monument be considered honorable? In 2012, will Greenpeace offer to convert Abraham Lincoln’s face into Sarah Palin’s in exchange for the end of off-shore drilling?

I’d like to be the first to suggest the Greenpeace people, especially the street-walking volunteers, be locked up for attempting to bribe the American President and interrupting the monotonous flow of the people on their lunch break.

What could be worse than skinny jeans and neon-framed Wayfarer sunglasses? That’s right: hippies.

Brooklyn’s Prospect Park is one of several places in the running to become the official site for the latest incarnation of Woodstock, according to the parks department, which says it’s been in talks with promoter Michael Lang to bring the show to BK this summer. 

The goal: attract some 150,000 people, with headliners from the original Woodstock, plus pothead stalwarts like Dave Matthew and Phish. The perhaps unintended consequence: filling Brooklyn with an entirely new sect of annoying people which, when combined with Williamsburg’s hipsters and Prospect Park’s existing stroller army, spells disaster, as well as a potential class war and an abundance of stringy unwashed hair. 

It continues to baffle me when cities insist on playing host to all manner of large-scale events, particularly New York City - which struggles to house, feed, clothe and transport its own population, let alone tourists and other travelers. I mean, have you been on the train after a Yankee game? It’s about two well-placed jeers away from Lord of the Flies, and that’s without amassing people who consider their musical tastes a testament to their life philosophy.

New York is already a seething pit of freaks and people for whom showering is low on the list of priorities, so while I’m pleased to think the city’s homeless population may, for one day, feel right at home among equally dirty and destitute Janis Joplin fans, adding 150,000 potential “mud people” to our populace is not my idea of a good time.