Respect Authority

I should have said “not safe for work” …but I didn’t!

In honor of Halloween, let’s take a two-decade walk down memory lane to one of the greatest “Is this actually a children’s movie?” children’s movies of all time: The Witches.

For those who don’t know, The Witches is a 1990 movie based on a Roald Dahl (of Charlie and Chocolate Factory fame) book by the same name. Starring Angelica Houston as the Grand High Witch, The Witches tells the story of a recently orphaned boy who’s taken to England by his grandmother. While traveling, the two stay in a hotel where a group of witches has also gathered corporate-conference style, to discuss their plot to rid the world of all children.

If you’re anything like me, your initial reaction was “Excellent idea! When can we start?” …but don’t get it twisted: these witches are no joke. For one, they’re hideous. Not pointed-hat hideous, but pointed nose/square feet/no hair/scabby/old/wrinkled hideous. Legit frightening. Few movie scenes that I perceived as terrifying as a child have really stuck with me, but the scene in this movie where the assembled witches “disrobe,” removing wigs and masks to reveal their true appearances (see above), still makes me want to pee my pants a little. That and when Judge Doom drops the shoe in a vat of toon-killing “dip” in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? So sad. Read More ›

Good news, pedophiles! Looks like you’re going to be able to molest children in that Hello Kitty costume you bought for Halloween after all!

According to The New York Times, on Monday, a federal judge in Missouri blocked parts of a new state law that required sex offenders to avoid all “Halloween-related” contact with children and stay in their homes on October 31st. Judge Carol E. Jackson said the law was too vague after a story of a child molester in a Nintendo Wii costume standing outside a school and asking passing children to “push his buttons” came out over the weekend. (Note: If it wasn’t already immediately obvious, I completely made this part up.)

The diddler defended himself to local authorities, saying that he “wasn’t aware of this so-called ‘Halloween’,” and that he bought the costume for All Saint’s Day, November 2nd.

He said he was “hoping to bestow the gift of the Holy Spirit upon lucky children with [his] Wiimote.” Police allowed the man to continue, and as of Monday, six children in Missouri are missing. Read More ›

Halloween is almost upon us, which means we at RA need to plan our egging route. But before Friday is here, there’s plenty of distraction ahead, like that whole “election” thing everyone’s been talking about. It’s also, scarily, the last week of October, meaning things like Thanksgiving, Christmas and visits to our elderly relatives’ musty-smelling houses, are imminent. Might as well make the best of this month while you still have it around.

This week’s The Future Freaks Me Out dabbles in all of the above, minus the elderly relatives. Enjoy. Read More ›

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he was a kid toucher and it’s a violation of his parole to be outside of his house on Halloween.

Police in San Antonio, Texas have arrested 24 sex-offense suspects in the past two days. No word on whether the cops used lassos to apprehend the suspects, or if they hog-tied them afterward, although this seems unlikely considering some sex offenders probably do that to themselves as a hobby. The effort is part of a national roundup of sex offenders before Halloween, because after all, only the ones who have been caught before are the ones who are going to be diddling kids with their hard candy this October.

Indeed, this Fall, it’s hard out there for a pimp… if you’re a pimp who touches little kids in the pants. A group of Missouri sex-offenders are suing the state over a new law that bars them from all Halloween-related contact with children. Thanksgiving-related wishbone-tugging is still fair game, however.

Meanwhile in Maryland, 1,200 violent and child sex-offenders were issued signs reading “No candy at this residence,” which must be placed on their front doors to avoid a parole violation. It’s unclear as to whether the residents can amend the sign to say “No candy at this residence… but plenty of kid-loving dick!” Undoubtedly, there are sure to be pedophiles out there who are willing to show law enforcement that they have an entirely different definition of “Butterfinger.” Hold on one second, I just made myself vomit by accident.

Maryland’s enforcements are similar to that of many other states, who are issuing curfews, disallowing sex-offenders from keeping their outdoor lights on, and will not permit them to hand out candy. In fact, they’re not even allowed to lie and say that they have candy waiting in their car if the kid would only come with them for a few minutes, which seems downright cruel and bordering on blatant prejudice. Come on now, this is a way of life, people! How are you supposed to be a respectable child molester if you aren’t even allowed to molest children? I mean, really. This country’s going straight down the tubes.

[1010 WINS]

Halloween compels people to do some pretty weird things — ask my dad why he isn’t allowed in the neighborhood on October 31st sometime. There is an entirely mall-dwelling subculture within teenagers that includes a uniform of The Nightmare Before Christmas paraphernalia. There is Tim Burton… period… his hair is scarier than the year I went as a girl.

So while I generally consider scooping the seemingly endless soup of seeds and orange goo out of a pumpkin one of the most, although certainly not the most, disgusting things you can do with a squash, I find it totally within the realms of human obsession that somebody’s Halloween-related fetish is carving pumpkins. And this is because I’ve seen the amazing perversions of the October mainstays by skilled sculptor and sick pumpkin freak Ray Villafane.

No shit.

This wizard of pumpkinry will be on a pumpkin-carving themed episode of the Food Network’s “Challenge,” at 8 PM EST on October 26th. The losers, I mean, the other contestants, were not available for comment as of press time.

I quiver at the thought of what he would do to an ornamental gourd. His mastery over pumpkins is both unnatural and terrifying. So, I guess really, perfect for Halloween.