Respect Authority

Larry Page is kind of what I imagine a Vulcan would look like after centuries of familial cross-breeding with humans. And if he were retarded. Because it stands to reason that a retarded Vulcan would still be capable of founding Google.

Nerds everywhere shit their pants with joy today, as G1 — Google’s first attempt at phone-making and latest attempt at world domination — hit stores. Lines at T-Mobile locations, Google’s slightly-odd choice for the G1’s service provider, snaked around corners as overeager employees passed around trays of pastries to waiting patrons, who probably said things like “Fuck pastries, where is my phone?!”

Ironically, the phone’s release comes the same day that Apple said iTastic sales of the iPhone were responsible for its stellar fourth-quarter earnings. Profits jumped 26% as the iPhone 3G outsold leading smart-phone competitor Blackberry.

So the real question is — what are nerds to do? I picture this as the same sort of dilemma they would face if both Star Wars and Dune were playing on TV at the same time. (Although really, any self-respecting nerd would have all six Star Wars movies on special-edition DVD). Google has long been the purveyor of innovative search tools online, and things like GMail and Google Maps’ Street View have completely overhauled the way we think about the Internet. A true testament to the company’s technological prowess (and pop culture relevance), “Google” at some point became its own verb. Read More ›

As if Google wasn’t already keyword-searching my e-mails and potentially stockpiling all the information necessary to become the real Big Brother, now the Internet search behemoth is offering to censor my alcoholism. 

This week, a Gmail engineer with many drunken regrets and a lot of time on his hands, unveiled Mail Goggles, a Gmail application that asks users a few math questions before they send an email, effectively giving them time to, you know, think things through. 

Appropriately, the application has a default weekend/night setting, though particularly scrupulous e-mailers (and full-time alcoholics) can set it to run more often. Similarly, completely unscrupulous drunks, like myself, can turn it off, and thereby continue to embarrass themselves on a weekly basis, uncensored and unleashed. 

Unfortunately, Google has yet to come up with a solution for drunk texting, drunk dialing, drunk fighting, drunk hook-ups, drunk walks of shame, drunk stomach pumping, or drunk murder. But really, it’s only a matter of time.