Respect Authority

Chicagoist posted the following photo on Saturday, noting the gorgeous weather we’ve had in Chicago for the long weekend. I’m told it’s been even warmer with my fellow Respect Authoritarians in New York, proving, once more, that New York is superior to Chicago in literally every way. I’m not kidding — you think New York is full of annoying crazy people, but you have not seen my block. It looks like Dawn Of The Dead except all the zombies are mumbling vegetative methadone addicts, so I guess basically… zombies. So anyway, what was the point? Oh yeah, it’s warm. It seems like our country is experiencing a meltdown in more ways than one, amirightamiright?

Obviously my heart is not so cold that I can’t enjoy the unseasonably warm weather, particularly considering it beats freezing my testicles off in the icy tundra Chicago turns into upon the onset of “The Great Freeze,” or as people who don’t live in The Arctic Circle of Illinois call it, Winter.

Nonetheless, this “unseasonably” warm weather is getting increasingly seasonable because it’s always warm in October now. So don’t vote for more summer, really, unless you’re a Snidely Whiplash type motherfucker and actually want to see the effects of climate change reduce human civilization to its knees and force it to suck some fat greenhouse gas wanger. Indeed, we may be living in a world soon where, unfortunately, there is nothing but the ice in my mouf to keep my Cristal cold.

This is important, people — where will Santa have his workshop when the North Pole is a barren desert littered with rotting polar bear carcasses? To think, all those elves out of work… next thing you know, the government’s bailing out Santa’s Workshop.