Respect Authority

In an uncharacteristic fit of logical decision-making, the Port Authority said this week that it’s scrapping plans to name Lower Manhattan’s glass monstrosity the Freedom Tower, opting instead for the far more palatable 1 World Trade Center. The decision has sparked no small amount of controversy — as 9/11 victims’ advocates and family members say the name change is disrespectful to the people who died that day. To which the Port Authority indirectly responds: “But we’ll make more money this way?”

And it’s true! Since America is pretty much broke, 1WTC’s first commercial tenant is actually a Chinese firm, for whom “freedom” is probably akin to naming the place “Free Tibet Tower.” Although the Port Authority has reportedly been leaning away from the somewhat anachronistic Freedom Tower for nearly a year, signing an actual deal for an actual influx of actual dollars probably helped them make the final decision.

Besides, it’s not like they changed the name to “Tower of Death” or “Wow, This Place is Cursed.” 1 World Trade is a testament to the fact that we — America, New York City, patriots — are prepared to restore Lower Manhattan to what it once was. By contrast, the Freedom Tower, particularly as it ushered in Operation Iraqi Freedom, Freedom Fries and that repetitive Aretha Franklin song, was little more than a passive-aggressive PR gimmick.

Besides, no matter what we name it, 1WTC will now and always be a phallic representation of our national insecurity. Yay!