Respect Authority

RICHARD COOEY, INDICTED for killing two college students, failed to convince his executioners that he was too fat to receive lethal injection. The 267-pound man had tried to avoid execution by arguing that his obesity would prevent humane lethal injection, because veins in his arms are hard to find. Unfortunately, the Department of Corrections disagreed. …And so do I.

FIREFIGHTERS RESCUED A 600-pound man from his home after he literally fell and couldn’t get up. At least ten firefighters hoisted David Schoc, 57, onto a “custom-built wooden backboard designed for large people” after having to remove a wall of his home. Schock had been struggling for the telephone for two days. Now, how do I get one of these backboards?

WHILE THE BRITS were across the pond scoffing at our cheeseburger consumption, their pets were getting fat! Approximately half of the cats and dogs in the U.K. are now overweight, according to a recent study. Fortunately for them, and really for no one else since this actually symbolizes the downfall of humanity, Pfizer has Silentrol for obese dogs.

And that’s today, in Fatty Fat News.