Respect Authority

In light of all the social networks (Google, Yahoo, MySpace, Facebook) booting registered sex offenders from their sites, I think it’s high time NAMBLA or someone equally lamentable launched a social network geared exclusively at the perverted. Come on, rapists have the right to poke too! Plus, Law & Order: SVU would have a virtually unlimited source for material.

Here are some suggested titles; feel free to contribute your own:

-Pervster

-Creepster

-Diddler

-Scumbook

-MyPlace …Tonight

-Don’tLetThemSeeYourFace…Book

-Kidder

-Toddler

-Boinker

-RapeSpace

-FaceRape

-Craigslist

Okay, this is getting out of control. No… it’s gotten out of control. We should have never allowed this to happen, hell, to encourage it. So yes, we deserve this… just as we will deserve getting our brains bored out by android gray matter collectors.

To be clear, I’m speaking about the ol’ FB. Indeed, last night, my helpful news feed alerted me as to this… development. This was someone’s real, actual status update. For all to see. For FB to remember forever.

Additionally, certain sections of the following text will be in bold type; this is because they made me cringe and thank skateboarding and sex for finding me before it ever got this bad.

1) I feel that Final Fantasy X is the best game overall in that they have seven well-developed characters and a battle system designed well enough to need all of them. Whereas in other games of the series I would stick with one primary party, the dynamic “hot-swap” was both necessary and pleasing. The story is the game’s largest asset, hardly breaking from the serious, morbid nature while maintaining great instances of foreshadowing. This also has one of the few final bosses that I actually lost against initially. I would also say that this has the second best ending I’ve ever seen. Finally, this is one of the few RPGs I’ve seen recently where the antagonist is introduced early and often, allowing the story to develop it well.

2) Chrono Cross is one of the few games with branching stories, with two moments in the game where you can choose 3 or 3 paths, respectively. Characters are a weakness and strength, as the characters they choose to develop are great and conflicted yet there are too many Suikoden-like fill-ins. Other strengths for the game include the secret way to beat it (can’t say any more than that) and the extended concert scene, which demonstrates that an RPG is about more than battling.

3) The game that single-handledly saved the genre, Final Fantasy VII had a great story, great characters and one of the most scarring moments of my life. This used to be #1 for a long time, but it earns penalty points for introducing the frequent minigames habit that would ruin the series for several games (and perhaps still does). To many, including myself, VIncent is the best optional character in any RPG. The soundtrack is both famous and outstanding, which really enhances the mood of several scenes. This game has held up well over time, despite the confusion that Cloud’s past has created

4) Tales of Symphonia has my favorite optional scene ever, one which dramatically changes the perception of a main character and gives new understanding to several scenes of intrigue that occurred previously

Dude knows his video games, that’s fo’ sho’. And don’t worry man, I lost initially to the boss in FFX too - NOT PLEASING.

Excessive cheeseburger consumption and social isolation have always gone hand in hand, so it’s no surprise really that Burger King’s “Whopper Sacrifice” campaign, which offered Facebook users a free Whopper for every 10 people they de-friended on the site, was wildly successful. So successful that it drew the ire of Facebook itself, which forced the burger chain to discontinue the promotion — but not before it could end over 230,000 friendships.

Though some of Burger King’s analysts – you know, adults that cover the company for financial instead of pop culture reasons – seem to think the company has jumped the shark in its effort to thwart recession-related declines in unnecessary spending, I am of the opinion that the BK can do no wrong. With a plethora of fast-food options available to me—and with no real allegiance to any of them save the occasional McDonald’s cheeseburger or Wendy’s Frosty craving, Burger King executives seem to know how to make their brand stand out.

The King, weird as he may be, was only the beginning. Last year, after the viral success of the Whopper Freakout, BK launched Whopper Virgins, a new play on the original taste-test model perpetuated by Pepsi and Coca-Cola. Outside of the fact that my hunger may or may not at times be influenced by illegal substances, I have to say seeing people experience their first Whopper really and truly makes me want nothing more than a big juicy cheeseburger. Read More ›

Since I’m assuming I’m a little older than most of you, I’m giving you a warning. This is what happens once you reach a certain age and are on Facebook. The people involved in this following status update conversation (ugh) are at least two years older than me. Please don’t turn into these people. Please.

This is an exact grammatical transcript. The following took place last Friday afternoon:

Kristi S. is wishing this day would just be over already

Dan M. - sorry about that . . . hope it gets better . . . TGIF!

Mickey M. (looks at least 40 in his picture) - Friday always seem to go the slowest, don’t they?

Kate K. - Word. This day blows. But, I love you! XoXoXo

Janet N. - I am right there with you!!!

Dan M. (again) - Keep smiling kid, only 4 more hours to go or so . . .

Amy G. - I’m no kidding - and would be nice if the wknd lasted like a week! miss you!

Nancy M. - Same here . . . this week felt long . . .

I have to run through about 5 or 6 of these conversations per day. I can’t not look at them. If you feel that you may be one of these people in the future, please do us all a favor and terminate your account. If you don’t feel like you’ll be able to do this on your own, then let me know, and I’ll come over to wherever you live with my smotherin’ pillow. It’s kind of like Ben Affleck’s paddle in Dazed and Confused, except it’s a pillow with the logos of all 30 baseball teams on it. Read More ›

About a month ago, I dutifully shared with you dear readers the ongoing melodrama of one of my Facebook friends, who since our initial joining has completely slipped from my mind as a person of note. Ostensibly someone I knew in middle school, the girl I affectionately dubbed Sally has since become little more than a source of online amusement, a reality fueled by a series of public disclosures and rants about her imminent nuptials, and her fiancée’s awful family. If you missed the boat on that one, here’s your refresher.

Since then, and in my next stop on Pathetic Road, I’ve been actively checking up on Sally, looking for new developments on the wedding front. Outside of the obvious choosing of centerpieces and airing of dress-size grievances, little seemed to be happening — and so my vigilance had fallen off. In fact, Sally’s Nov. 8 status update — “…is deleting people from Facebook” — had me fairly convinced that her culling of unnecessary friends would spell the imminent end of our online acquaintance, to be expected considering our relationship is defined entirely by my investigating her personal life. Surprisingly though, I made the cut.
Read More ›

There are few things I’m not interested in on Facebook. After all, without the status updates of people I barely know, photo albums from long-lost middle school friends and awkward wall-to-walls between mind-numbingly boring couples, what would be left to peruse on the five-year-old social networking site? Actual updates on my actual friends? Psh.

So it’s with mild trepidation, and no small sacrifice to my perception of civil liberties, that I say recent spats over Facebook’s stance on breastfeeding photos have me straddling a fence between what I consider socially nauseating and legally fair game.

Facebook has long barred its now 140 million users from posting what it calls “obscene, pornographic or sexually explicit” content, a limitation I’ve only personally seen the effects of once, when a male high school friend’s waist-up (and more ironic than seductive) naked shower photo was pulled. But in yet another turn of events that proves the world would be a better place without indignant young mothers, the Facebook policy has come under fire lately from women who say their inability to post photos of themselves breastfeeding is a hindrance to — well, to their ability to post photos of themselves breastfeeding. Read More ›

One of the many pleasures afforded me by the ubiquity of Facebook is the ease with which I can keep track of the personal lives of people I barely know. Although privacy issues, coupled with long-overdue common sense, have yielded an abundance of secret profiles, there was a time in Facebook’s adolescence when everyone friended pretty much everyone.

As a result of my own early Facebook whoring, I happen to be friends with a girl, let’s call her Sally, whose life is no longer in any way tied to my own. Based on our shared friends it would seem we attended middle school together, but I could neither confirm nor deny this from seeing her picture now. If she were to pass me on the street, I would consider her a stranger.

So it was with trepidation, and no small amount of shame, that I began earlier this week following what I will call the Saga of Sally’s Wedding. See, Facebook has of late developed a “note” function, where users can post their ramblings for any of their friends, and potentially the world at large, to read and comment on. Some might consider this – the constant public disclosure of one’s random thoughts and complaints to the entire digital community – a bit inane, or a least vain. We here at RA call it blogging.

Since Sally’s Saga has become quite heated, I felt it high time I shared it with an even larger population, at the risk of both violating her privacy, and getting sued. But hey, who doesn’t want to be part of a precedent-setting Facebook lawsuit? I anticipate making millions.

See, Sally is marrying ….Fred. And Fred’s sister, Lucy, hates Sally. With a passion. I’m not entirely sure why, since Sally is, let’s say, less than articulate and the whole thing is still hazy to me. But Sally is now debating whether or not to invite Lucy to her wedding, since she hates Lucy. Fred, surprisingly, seems ambivalent about his sister’s attendance – so Sally is seeking advice from friends and peers as to how to approach the situation. For the record, Sally is 23. Read More ›

Well it was several years after the fact, but Diddy finally did it. Though I have yet to hear whether this year’s non-voters actually died, there is abundant and growing evidence that voting was not only popular in 2008, it was also, well …cool.

Propelled by the fairly new prevalence of both Facebook and YouTube, neither of which had taken hold of the 20-something psyche in 2004, hordes of over-eager Americans bombarded their friends and peers with reminders, notifications, photos and even videos documenting their voting experience.

Anecdotally, I can say with some confidence that no less than 70 billion Facebook members had some version of the “John Smith is happy about voting!” status, but if you won’t take my word for it, take the Associated Press’. In an article Tuesday evening, the news organization documented the prevalence of Facebook photos and YouTube videos of young people casting their ballots.

Ironically, in several states it’s actually illegal to have any sort of recording device in polling places, or the public display of a marked ballot, including Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Nevada, North Carolina and Texas. But considering the majority of those states took the red brick road to defeat last night, it’s probably safe to say those people weren’t memorializing much of anything.

With voting becoming so cool, maybe in 2012 Paris Hilton will actually register.