Respect Authority

Dad used to tease that by the time I retired there wouldn’t be anything left in the Social Security fund to pay for my extravagant post-work lifestyle.

My how the tables have turned. Turns out, there won’t be any money left by the time he retires… serves the old bastard right.

In any event, I’ve long given up hope that ancient social safety nets would still be around when I’m inconceivably old, but I guess 32 is creeping up on me faster than I thought. That being said, here’s a long overdue guide to Millennial retirement:

Get really rich and “work” until you’re 90

Think about it, retirement age billionaires like Donald Trump, Rupert Murdoch, and Warren Buffet have nothing to worry about! They’re not only still vigorously working but also outrageously rich and successful. Their brilliant retirement plan is to get into a position of power and rot while taking in a fat paycheck. What’s more, running a business into your twilight years also guards against the more subtle pains of retirement. People are both forced to listen to you and have to pretend they care — solving classic old people concerns.

Invest in Rich Old People ASAP

Without talent or intellect, the first option is easier said than done. However, if you have looks — you can invest in your future by marrying dying rich people today. A riskier investment strategy is stripping. It worked, sort of, for Anna Nicole and scores of other young women however the quality of billionaires who marry whores is spotty at best. A more conservative and gender-blind approach is to earn a degree with the University of Phoenix and apply for Administrative Assistant positions at major Fortune-500 firms. Dress conservatively with a hint of slut and wait for a return on your investment.

Live Fast, Die Young

Of course, society must prepare for those citizens who haven’t prepared themselves. This is why Social Security was invented in the first place — to bail out the assholes who just had to live paycheck to measly paycheck while supporting dozens of kids.

Therefore, our society has to be just as forward thinking as our grandparents’. Luckily we currently offer endless ways to slowly kill yourself and market them to the lowest common denominators in society. Chances are, if you’re eating McDonalds and KFC more than three times a week, playing Wii instead of actually exercising and watching American Idol instead of reading — you probably don’t have health insurance which means you’ll probably die before you can retire. Coupled with drugs, alcohol and deadly diseases you can only really catch if you’re an idiot — many of us will never have to sully our beautiful little minds with plans for retiring after 65.