Respect Authority

I know the election is good and done and it’s high time we stopped writing about it, but I just had to comment on the grand irony emerging in New York City. After swarms of people waited in two-block lines to vote last Tuesday, and office water coolers buzzed with chatter of new voters and black voters, and everyone wondered how many politically apathetic residents would get their lazy asses off the couch this time around, it seems only about 60,000 more people voted in New York this year than in 2004.

I know that seems like a big number, but when you consider the Big Apple’s population has skyrocketed to more than eight million, many of whom aren’t even registered to vote, well it’s just a tad disappointing. 

Now, there was a higher turnout in traditionally nonchalant neighborhoods, including Bedford-Stuyvesant, where a surprised Lou and smug Kira waited for 45 minutes in a significant line last week. But overall, New Yorkers seemed to care just about as much as they did four years ago, which might mean we were already well-informed and politically minded Americans, or might mean it takes more than “change” to get people out of bed early. You decide.

[NY Times]

Well it was several years after the fact, but Diddy finally did it. Though I have yet to hear whether this year’s non-voters actually died, there is abundant and growing evidence that voting was not only popular in 2008, it was also, well …cool.

Propelled by the fairly new prevalence of both Facebook and YouTube, neither of which had taken hold of the 20-something psyche in 2004, hordes of over-eager Americans bombarded their friends and peers with reminders, notifications, photos and even videos documenting their voting experience.

Anecdotally, I can say with some confidence that no less than 70 billion Facebook members had some version of the “John Smith is happy about voting!” status, but if you won’t take my word for it, take the Associated Press’. In an article Tuesday evening, the news organization documented the prevalence of Facebook photos and YouTube videos of young people casting their ballots.

Ironically, in several states it’s actually illegal to have any sort of recording device in polling places, or the public display of a marked ballot, including Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Nevada, North Carolina and Texas. But considering the majority of those states took the red brick road to defeat last night, it’s probably safe to say those people weren’t memorializing much of anything.

With voting becoming so cool, maybe in 2012 Paris Hilton will actually register.

Can I just be the… billionth or so… person to say, “Holy fucking shit.”

It really happened. What is this, anyway? Some kind of modern country or some shit? Clearly, it’s time to start creating some “ANGRY IDIOTS FOR THE ASSASSINATION OF BARACK OBAMA” Facebook groups.

First of all, now that the silly election thing is over with, I feel like I should let you know that Barack Obama actually is a Muslim and a terrorist sympathizer, and, in fact, has a history of sleeping with both a copy of The Communist Manifesto and a defaced Precious Moments Bible under his pillow.

Nonetheless, throughout his campaign, Obama ran on a platform of hope. And clearly, he inspired hope in many American voters — including me, and I was under the impression that my capacity for hope had iced over years ago, that space in my heart left barren and forgotten, its haunting desolation not unlike that of lonely Pluto. Indeed, with Obama’s decisive victory against America’s oldest fart tonight, I regained some small amount of hope for the American people as a whole.

Understand that I drink an overfilled glass of negativity instead of orange juice every morning when I wake up, and as a result, think everything is always terrible, without question. So of course, it’s my belief that we hardly have any real reason to hope that we’ll see it out of the current economic case of the runs without losing even more of our assets yet. Nor do we have any reason to hope that Iraq won’t continue to be a mess of epic proportions, a mess that Tide Magic Stain Remover couldn’t even clean up. But today, there is hope that as a country, we are not entirely stupid. Read More ›

Ah yes, the age old question, and with tonight’s election hurdling forward to the finish line, there may be a lot more people asking the question tomorrow. Stock up on guns and ammunition, folks, because one day soon, we may all be mavericks. It’ll be like the days of the lawless Wild West, with roaming gangs of violent looters on the prowl and gun-slinging vigilantes in the crossfire, except in the end, everyone will die of botulism.

You know, this is way easier to joke about considering even great Krang of the Bush Administration, Karl Rove, is predicting an Obama landslide. …Even if that’s just his feeble attempt at convincing Democrats to stay home and not vote… which it totally is, by the way.

London-based designer Justine Smith has a different idea of how one can use money to acquire weapons. She makes sculptures out of a wide variety of materials, but arguably some of the coolest are the ones that are a kind of massive-origami, using money as the medium. Read More ›

This graphic probably doesn’t exactly resonate with people who think humans walked alongside dinosaurs 4,000 years ago, but please, remember to vote, kids. If for no other reason than I don’t feel like being dead in a year. Iran’s largely an arid climate, let’s not make it the next balmy vacationing spot of choice for America’s 18-year-olds. They’re much better off at home turning into future alcoholics at college with all those troublesome intellectual types.

Now that everyone’s had their fill of chocolate candy and women dressed as slutty teachers/schoolgirls/police officers/firefighters/referees, it’s time to come back down to reality. Two of the year’s more “family-oriented” holidays are almost upon us, the economy is still a mess and by the end of this week we’ll know the results of that whole “election” thing everyone keeps talking about. These days the Future really does Freak Me Out.

And you’re right. There’s no such thing as enough when it comes to slutty referees.

Here’s RA’s FFMO Election Special, since after this week I never want to hear the word “election” again.

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"0bama hat35 @merica."

Indiana, a state of gun toting ignorant technophiles, has a law barring the use of robocalls. So in order to defend the formerly reliable Republican state, McCain and the RNC were forced to employ a telemarking service called Americall to do their dirty work.

Well, turns out that humans still have more decency than robots and Rudy Guiliani combined. Between thirty and forty telemarketers walked off their job yesterday in protest of the anti-Obama script they were given to read. They weren’t fired but they also weren’t paid the rest of the day, which for someone who’s doing telemarketing work must’ve been a huge financial sacrifice.

I’ve got to say, this moved me [Full Disclosure: I once beat off to this picture]. Telemarketers, the definitive scum of the earth, actually stood up for themselves, for truth, for fairness and decency and said, “Mama, enough is enough”. Traits never before observed in this caste of cold-blooded virtual salespeople.

[Talking Points Memo]

Sarah Palin is one of those beautiful, unique personalities that brings out the worst in everybody: liberals and conservatives alike, everybody’s ugly side has come out with her regrettable introduction into the media spotlight. In fact, the only person who doesn’t look completely ugly following her nomination is Sarah Palin herself, and even then, only because of all those great fake nudes circulating the Internet now.

At a recent rally in Iowa, while Palin paused during her speech, a woman in the crowd yells “and he’s a n***er,” and I’m assuming she wasn’t referring to Senator McCain. Palin stutters for a moment, but continues her speech without mentioning the outburst. Hey… saying nothing at all is better than, oh I don’t know, “Yep, and he’s a nigra. You betcha.”

To think that Palin has patted this retard of a country on the back in prior speeches for being the kind of place where a woman can run for national office, for recognizing people’s value regardless of race or gender. You sure you don’t want to take that back now? Or maybe you’re just going to stay the course on this one after all, Miss Maverick.

In the end, this is just more proof that she’ll do anything to win votes, be it by comparing herself to Hillary Clinton who is literally her opposite, in every instance, down to a fucking molecular level, endangering the country she claims to love so much by actually running for Vice President in the first place, or by allowing herself to become the candidate for idiotic, troglodyte racist assbags, who only deserve representation in the form of being dragged behind their rusted out Ford F-150s. Bitter? You betcha!

Earlier this year, pundits were saying that if Obama is elected, it would mean our country has finally gotten past the idea of race. Clearly, this is far from the case — if anything this election has repeatedly highlighted the fact that our country is not past any kind of prejudice, be it over issues of religion, sex, or race. And should it come as any surprise that our country is still wildly bigoted considering the past eight years have seen our society discourage education, open-mindedness and enlightenment in favor of fear, ignorance and religious fervor time and time again? Seriously, I haven’t felt like it was this uncool to be smart since fucking grade school.

[Wonkette]

Halloween is almost upon us, which means we at RA need to plan our egging route. But before Friday is here, there’s plenty of distraction ahead, like that whole “election” thing everyone’s been talking about. It’s also, scarily, the last week of October, meaning things like Thanksgiving, Christmas and visits to our elderly relatives’ musty-smelling houses, are imminent. Might as well make the best of this month while you still have it around.

This week’s The Future Freaks Me Out dabbles in all of the above, minus the elderly relatives. Enjoy. Read More ›

I don't believe in fun!

On the other hand, being generally hated by literally almost everyone makes him a little less than perfect, which I guess would actually make him a perfect fit for the McCain campaign after all! Welcome to the United States Presidential Election 2008, everyone. Believe me, I’m just as confused as you are.

The call attacks Barack Obama for supposedly being soft on street crime and opposing mandatory minimum jail sentences for sex offenders, drug dealers, and murderers. The call, starring Giuliani’s charming lisp, surely resonates highly coming from such a pinnacle of sexual morality.
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We all know Republican politicians love trying voters’ tolerance for fear tactics, and considering it’s worked pretty fucking well for the past eight years who can really blame them. I’d much rather blame them for all the contractors in Iraq, but that’s another issue altogether.

"I've been tested so many times it makes me sick!"

Now, I’m not sure how McCain knows they wouldn’t try to test him… unless of course… he asked them, thereby associating with known terrorists — McCain’s a terrorist! Terrorist terrorist! He talks to terrorists and has lunch meetings with terrorists and plays shuffle board with terrorists on Carnival Cruises!

With all the negative campaigning going on lately, do you think it’s possible that the RNC maybe just ran out of good things to say about McCain? Huh. I’m guessing “Vote for the candidate who is almost as old and frail as America is today” probably wasn’t an alternative campaign route they really wanted to entertain.

And while it is true that McCain has been thoroughly tested, I think the part where he got captured by the enemy doesn’t exactly count as getting an A. Let’s just say that’d be a test I’d be a little nervous to bring home for my mom to sign. No video games for a month, John. You earned it.

[CNN]