Respect Authority

…There is often a TV playing delightfully absurd rap videos and a box of half-decimated pizza nearby.

R.I.P. weekend.

It’s unfortunate that in youth culture, the weekend unofficially starts on Thursday night. Consequently, it’s unfortunate that the only truly effective way to rid a hangover, from any substance really, is to consume more of said substance… or you know, just smoke some weed. Maybe your 6th grade D.A.R.E. officer would be disappointed, but hey, it’s mother nature’s penicillin!

The dark shadow of suicidal gloom enveloping you after enjoying a few too many glow sticks the night before? Call up Dr. Green. Or perhaps you’re a real bad ass, and drank a few too many glasses of red wine while watching America’s Best Dance Crew, so now your brain is pulsating more than Mario Lopez’ pants every time he locks eyes with JC Chasez? Dr. Green’s got an herbal remedy for that too. However, if you’re not a devout vegetarian, you could just drink some more wine, but I find alcoholism doesn’t really compliment the taste of Frosted Flakes all that much.

Obviously, the easiest way to avoid a hangover is to simply not drink at all, but that’s no fun (except for not feeling like a drowned, bloated corpse the entire next day, I guess). Plus, just like how nobody liked the militant straight edge kid in high school, once you graduate to the adult world of working full time, paying bills, and being able to afford better drugs, nobody likes a teetotaler either. Because they make people feel guilty about their drug problems, and that’s not very nice at all!

Some may say it’s irresponsible to encourage substance abuse as a cure for substance abuse, but I say, that’s why God blessed us with so many different varieties of drugs in the first place! Imagine a world where there weren’t vines flowering with beautiful PCP blossoms every Spring, or proud groves of crystal methamphetamine trees. I mean, fuck, Kentucky would have to find a new state tree in that case!

Curing a hangover isn’t about making good choices; after all, if you knew how to make those you wouldn’t be hungover in the first place. It’s about making less bad choices, and personally, I’m of the opinion that skipping out of work so you can smoke marijuana all morning and chase it with a couple glasses of scotch is a lot healthier than eating all that greasy diner food the hungover many tend to gravitate towards. By noon, you’ll be ready to start drinking again!

Reading the sordid tale of the caked up lush and her high-flying hijinks we posted earlier gave me some pause. For one thing, I was so cracked out myself that I had forgotten I knew how to read, so that was shocking in its own right. At first, I seriously regretted never doing drugs before boarding an airplane after realizing how easy it actually is and how relatively lax the punishments are. But then I also realized almost immediately afterwards how utterly terrifying most drugs would be while on a plane.

Drugs are interesting in that they can be tons of fun when you’re sitting on your couch next to a comforting bag of Cheetos, but get thrown in the back of a squad car… without any Cheetos… and you’re suddenly in a horrifying nightmare world, traveling at light speed and the puke-stained seat you’re cuffed to is trying to eat your ass. Mix enough marijuana and Benadryl (not necessarily a recommendation) and you’ll feel like you’re on a plane as it is, so I literally shudder at the thought of how quickly this combination would turn you into a frantic, twitching mess on an actual aircraft. It’d be like the time I crapped myself on the flying airplane ride at the local carnival — a very bad experience to say the least.

Now, because Respect Authority is a harm-prevention website (this is actually completely false), I decided it would be helpful to come up with a list of drugs that would go especially well with flying, and the drugs that would be best to avoid unless you particularly enjoy feeling like droves of spider hatchlings are splitting your skull in half for six hours straight.
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