Respect Authority

It’s unfortunate that this post will come directly after the preceding one, but rest assured – Respect Authority is a long way’s off from becoming a blog about Jon & Kate Plus 8. Primarily because I never intend to watch the show again.

Indeed, out of some bizarre loyalty to the reality television genre, and certainly no small amount of schadenfreude, I ended up watching last night’s much-anticipated episode of J&K, during which the couple announced their equally expected and imminent divorce. Or separation. Or whatever it is when mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore but of course they love you and none of it is your fault—except the part where you took over their lives and demanded nonstop attention, thereby tearing apart the very fabric of their relationship and making it difficult, if not impossible, for them to continue having a normal existence.

This is the thing about Jon & Kate—which, outside of the occasional clip on The Soup, I haven’t actually seen before: it’s primarily about children, and it’s fairly boring. And these, my friends, are two very good reasons why I plan to never catch another episode, but also spent 20 minutes last night in reality-induced tears.

I started watching with the intention of writing a scathing “review” today—about the show, about what it means for where reality TV is headed, about the dangers and ills of exploiting children to make a quick buck. I also had tentative plans to make fun of Kate’s hair. But after sitting through an entire hour of it, the awkward interviews, the candid footage of the kids playing, the surprisingly raw, yet consistently cryptic, confessions of both Jon and Kate, I’m mostly just sad. My notes, which started with things like “kids ruin lives” and “Jon seems like he’s high on painkillers,” grew into whimsical paragraphs about the strain of marriage, the tragedy of falling out of love, the process of divorce. Read More ›

Here’s a cheery story to warm your frozen hearts this Christmas Eve. A Saudi court has rejected a plea to annul an 8-year-old girl’s arranged marriage to a 58-year-old man, because, after all, raping children is okay as long as the girl’s father got paid!

I know what has to be done about this atrocity — obviously, invade Iraq!

The court’s official reason for the decision is that the case should wait until the girl reaches puberty, since, after all, by age 11 I’m sure she’ll have come to her senses. No word on why you can’t get a divorce before you hit puberty while you can get married. But I guess you don’t need logic when you’ve got all the oil!

The girl’s father made a cool eight grand from the deal, which includes a verbal agreement that the marriage won’t be consummated until she’s 18. Sounds like an ironclad contract if you ask me. Apparently, the father was having financial problems and needed some extra cash. Travel Tip: always good to have some kids hanging around when you’re in a pinch in the Middle East!

Although, let’s go easy on the Saudis here — they’re our allies in the Middle East! Plus, they’re lucky to not have leftist nutjobs spreading their damned Will & Grace agenda, trying to redefine marriage and turn the youth of the nation into limp-wristed, lisping fairy-boys, right? America should be thanking them for showing us what traditional marriage really looks like.

Merry Consumerism’s Superbowl everyone, the world is a sty.