Respect Authority

So the Internets are abuzz with the recent allegations made by Oprah’s ex-boyfriend Randolph Cook, that the queen of the entire world used to smoke crack, taught him how to smoke crack, and sometimes even went on her show all crackin’ out. But I mean, the thing is, we’ve always known Oprah’s got a lot of crack… ugh…

YO — Oprah’s so fat, she got more crack than HARLEM! SHIT SON.

Anyway, what I find interesting is that this is sort of an old story. Like… fucking 14 years old. In an episode about those crazy crackheads that aired sometime in January, 1995, Oprah admitted to hitting the rock in her 20s. She blames it on an addiction to a man (whose name I’m guessing is probably, um, crack), but it seems by the 80s the tables had turned considering these new allegations by Cook, who first learned how to cook crack thanks to Oprah and one of her past book club nominees, Just The Crack, Ma’am.

This latest revelation is even more ironic, considering in 1995 Oprah admitted, “It’s my life’s great big secret. It was such a secret because — I realize the public person I have become — if the story ever were revealed, the tabloids would exploit it and what a big issue it would be.”

Hah, and they did it to you anyway! Merciless bloodsuckers, that’s what they are, those papapizzas. It took 14 years and some dude had to get fucked by the painful dick of esophageal cancer, but they did it. Ah, the media truly has become high school gossip wars in high speed broadband with blazing fast speeds, WAY faster than DSL so it’s perfect for online video.

Nonetheless, the truth is — and I’m sorry Oprah, but I thought you might have heard this by now — crack is, in fact, wack.

Breaking news: someone sold Amy Winehouse drugs. 

A couple who sold footage of the singer smoking crack to a newspaper has reportedly pled guilty to charges that they were the ones supplying the drugs. In fact, the two offered to supply Winehouse with cocaine and ecstasy in the hopes of covertly filming the inevitable abuse of substances.

There are two best parts to this story, and I can’t decide which is better. For one, detectives who charged the drug-dealing couple decided there “wasn’t enough evidence to charge Winehouse.” I would say that at any given time of day, Amy Winehouse looks like she’s on about 34 different drugs, to say nothing of actually catching her on camera.

And second, when they raided the drug couple’s home, detectives found a list of celebrities they had reportedly supplied with drugs. Johnny Blagrove and Cara Burton: drug dealers to the stars.