Respect Authority

So bats have been dying all over the country, and the FDA swears it isn’t another one of their unannounced efforts to rid the nation of some overpopulated species. No, in reality, the creatures of the night are being picked off en masse by so-called “deadly white nose syndrome.” 

According to Wikipedia, white nose syndrome is a “poorly understood” malady known for a distinctive ring of fungal growth around the muzzles of affected bats. First noticed in Albany, the syndrome has since spread to several states, and affected dozens of caves, in some cases with a death rate of 90%. Researchers don’t yet know its cause, or how it spreads, meaning that unless bat research jumps to the top of the list (beating out things like “global warming” and “AIDS”) they’re fairly doomed to continue dying in large quantities. Which spells doom for our ecosystem once the fruit population gets out of control. 

If you ask me, it’s pretty clear bats are doing cocaine. In fact, I know a couple of hipsters who suffer from white nose syndrome pretty much every weekend.

So the Internets are abuzz with the recent allegations made by Oprah’s ex-boyfriend Randolph Cook, that the queen of the entire world used to smoke crack, taught him how to smoke crack, and sometimes even went on her show all crackin’ out. But I mean, the thing is, we’ve always known Oprah’s got a lot of crack… ugh…

YO — Oprah’s so fat, she got more crack than HARLEM! SHIT SON.

Anyway, what I find interesting is that this is sort of an old story. Like… fucking 14 years old. In an episode about those crazy crackheads that aired sometime in January, 1995, Oprah admitted to hitting the rock in her 20s. She blames it on an addiction to a man (whose name I’m guessing is probably, um, crack), but it seems by the 80s the tables had turned considering these new allegations by Cook, who first learned how to cook crack thanks to Oprah and one of her past book club nominees, Just The Crack, Ma’am.

This latest revelation is even more ironic, considering in 1995 Oprah admitted, “It’s my life’s great big secret. It was such a secret because — I realize the public person I have become — if the story ever were revealed, the tabloids would exploit it and what a big issue it would be.”

Hah, and they did it to you anyway! Merciless bloodsuckers, that’s what they are, those papapizzas. It took 14 years and some dude had to get fucked by the painful dick of esophageal cancer, but they did it. Ah, the media truly has become high school gossip wars in high speed broadband with blazing fast speeds, WAY faster than DSL so it’s perfect for online video.

Nonetheless, the truth is — and I’m sorry Oprah, but I thought you might have heard this by now — crack is, in fact, wack.