Respect Authority

It’s interesting that even after all those uptight health officials put an end to inspiring (but mostly misleading) cigarette advertisements like the ones below, a sizable portion of young people still think smoking is a cool thing to do. Unfortunately, what the Surgeon General will never truly understand is that the deliciously poisonous nature of cigarettes that makes them such a modern scourge in the first place is the very basis of their cool factor. When you’re young and have plenty of life in front of you, or, conversely, have little to no “life” at all, coming up with fun ways to kill yourself seems like pretty much the bee’s knees. Just ask James Dean about it sometime, he started it.

Personally, I’m in favor of loosening up cigarette advertising restrictions just so we can have some extra entertainment piled on the night stand next to our death beds. Actually, Is it even possible to laugh when you have an iron lung?

In a time when “pointlessly weird” is nearly synonymous with advertising in general, this vintage Benson & Hedges ad could nonetheless easily give The Burger King himself not lung cancer, but fucking brain cancer if he dared to try wrapping his mind around this strange artifact from marketing’s deranged past. The longer you look at it, the more hopelessly lost in its senselessness you fall — it’s like the quick sand of soft sells.

Is the sentient cosmic sea cucumber trying in vain to burn a hole through the astronaut’s helmet with his cigarette? Are we to assume Benson & Hedges smokes are so good that they can actually burn in an oxygen-deprived environment? Not to mention… is the alien an American citizen? What does his enjoyment of a smooth, flavorful cigarette on the desolate craters of the moon have to do with them being America’s favorite brand anyway? Is it simply that their sweet plumes of toxins are so irresistible, even vastly advanced space-faring civilizations that should surely know better just can’t say no? Or maybe sentient cosmic sea cucumbers just want to be cool too — and who are we to begrudge them that?

Seriously though… somebody actually thought this would help sell cigarettes. That’s probably the single craziest thing about it. Fortunately, it wasn’t long before Big Tobacco learned to better apply the sciences to peddle their deadly wares. Read More ›

It isn’t really necessary to watch this past the first 30 seconds unless you like getting needlessly angry upon finding yourself laughing at child abuse, but those first 30 seconds really are precious in a mind-melting, value-shattering kind of way.

On the one hand, I find myself amused by this child’s immense natural talent at the taxing sport of cigarette smoking. Either that, or perhaps he’s just been doing it a long time, which, when considering his approximate age, is a truly frightening prospect to behold.

At the same time, if that man enabling his bad habits is his father, he should be caned or fed to Godzilla or whatever it is they do to criminals out there in the Orient. And if that man just happens to be the person the father has entrusted his child to, he’s still a bad guy. The father in this scenario is clearly bad, either way you cut it, so I’m glad we were able to establish that.

But damn if that kid doesn’t look badass as shit sitting on that motorcycle, rocking his denim jacket and puffing away. At least he’ll never get beat up. However, Dad, the road to Hell, unfortunately, is still paved by good intentions. Especially now, considering it’s all Hell’s Department of Transportation can afford in these TETs.

And to think, if that cigarette was instead filled with tobacky of the wacky variety, and this video was filmed outside of a South Bronx public school, we’d be calling it “No Child Left Behind.”