Respect Authority

If you’re anything like me, you spent the past weekend wallowing on the couch amid forlorn take-out wrappers and empty beer bottles, wondering how you managed to pass that whole ‘college’ thing with flying colors and still get fucked out of job security.

So with that level of unabashed optimism in mind, let’s take a look at some of the shit that didn’t hit the fan over the last six months. Hell, shit that maybe even rearranged itself on the ground in a way that one might consider borderline appealing: a little bean-bag of shit into which we can nestle ourselves and pray that everything gets better, soon. 

1. Quiznos and Subway, long foes in the world of toasted and non-toasted lunch fare, upped the ante on their price battle in the last few months. The result: Quizno’s, long the better-tasting option—and with a distinctly less depressing in-store environment—now offers $4 foot-long subs. 

2. Teenagers everywhere are preparing to lazily indulge in a summer of video games and Kool-Aid, since their parents have long since stopped expecting them to get out and find “one of those so-called ‘job’ thingies.”

3. The mainstream media, ever the pre-recession purveyor of breaking news like “Britney Spears: Still Crazy!” is finally reporting on things that matter – like economics, politics, war and Chris Brown. 

4. With pretty much the entire country desperate for a new source of income, people (read: politicians) have started looking a tad more favorably on one-time nemesis of morality: marijuana. We may soon be forking over tax dollars for the right to smoke up (conveniently and legally), but at least we’ll be forking them over at CVS.

5. Starbucks has revealed the first chinks in its armor, belying that perhaps it is not the global superpower we had always assumed. McDonalds, on the other hand, definitely is.

6. The recession is environmentally friendly: getting your electricity turned off is kind of like unintentionally going green.

7. People are finally enraged over the proliferation of mothers with more than five children, specifically those who subsist on the hard-earned tax dollars of those of us not choosing to get knocked up every six minutes.

8. Staying home and drinking alone is now frugal, instead of pathetic.

9. More strippers.

10. [Given tight resources, all RA Top Ten Lists have been reduced to nine items. Ignoring that this is our first and only top-ten list to date, simply assume the repercussions will be both widespread and difficult to bear.]