Respect Authority

May 6, 2009 (Burbank, CA) —
In a surprising finish after a record shattering vote, David Alan Grier has won the latest installment of ABC’s popular dancing reality show, Dancing With the Stars. Mr. Grier (or is it Mr. Alan Grier?) and his dance partner Baya from The Real World Brooklyn, outlasted superstar A-lister, Nancy O’Dell and her partner, Billy Elliot (the actual film, and not the character from said film) by securing 52% of the final vote in the program’s highest rated hour of television in its 8 season (8, really?) history.

Before his turn on DWTS, comedy chameleon David Alan Grier was probably best known as the star of the recently canceled Comedy Central show Chocolate News, and for winning the NHL’s Rookie of the Year award in 1991 before abruptly retiring and founding an unsuccessful chain of peach orchards in Tuscon, AZ. After his victory, David Alan Grier released the following statement:

“I, David Alan Grier, am ecstatic to learn that I have won the title as best celebrity dancer. As you may or may not already know, it’s been a rough year for me and my imaginary family. I’d now like to take the opportunity to thank three people in helping me become television’s best fake celebrity dancer for the months of March through early May 2009. Read More ›

Even though Comedy Central still has long lost Chocolate News listed on their website, after weeks of absence on TV, I’m ready to accept that it actually may not be coming back — that, perhaps, David Alan Grier has escaped to Africa or had a nervous breakdown, whatever it was that got that poor Chappelle guy.

So, without any official word from the network itself, where is a mourning fan supposed to turn for the truth? Obviously, Wikipedia — it’s the Internet’s brain! Whereas Respect Authority is more like the Internet’s festering, irritated boil.

Naturally then, it came as some surprise to find RA’s sarcastic coverage of Chocolate News from a few months ago listed as a reference in Wikipedia’s stub for the show. You know, considering the article was entirely made up, even if it did happen to be incredibly prophetic. We’re like the Aeneid but, uh, for pointless, minuscule facets of pop culture that kind of not that many people care about.

Nonetheless, it scares me to think that somebody read that article — dated October 6th while the show wasn’t canceled until January, and which includes a “quote” from DAG, saying “I plan on returning to my roots as a street performer who dances for unfiltered candy cigarettes and voluntarily licks anything put within seven feet of what I like to call my ‘face area.’ Thank you for your time. Are you gonna eat that?” — somebody read it and assumed it was real news about Chocolate News. And now it’s on Wikipedia, modern society’s only trustworthy source of unadulterated, true information.

Granted, I know we have this kind of mysterious, hard-to-read (it’s a double entendre!) aura about us, but come on. You came to the most sarcastic website on the entire World Wide Web and actually thought we were serious? I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ve been serious in like, a month. And to be honest, I feel a little bad about it, like I lied to Wikipedia, and it’s been such a good friend to me when I’m at work and have nothing to do but read about the origin of Unicorns throughout history. So, sorry, Wikipedia… I hope this doesn’t jeopardize our relationship, but instead, marks a new, spectacular frontier for us, when we can lie to you a lot more often and still totally get away with it.

Welcome to the revolution. First Wikipedia, next… I don’t know, Urban Dictionary or something.

In a culture full of vacuous forms of entertainment, television, particularly due to its current trends, is quite possibly the most baseless (aside from competitive eating, solicited sex, basically all forms of gambling, watching pornography, shopping, professional wrestling, and sitting on your couch smoking weed all night). Indeed, we are a people addicted… now, if only addiction didn’t feel so goddamned good.

The Office
With the world collapsing around them, The Office, in its 5th season, is regrouping in Scranton and putting on a brave, sarcastic face. My favorite line of the season: “I think I never processed 9/11″ — Ryan, temp receptionist and recovering coke addict. — lou

Chocolate News
2008 was the year I finally accepted that Dave Chappelle would not be finishing the 3rd season of his show, and with MTV’s doubtlessly upcoming Meet The Obamas no where to be found, there was a void in my heart where insightful black comedy is supposed to live. Then along came Chocolate News. Its mixture of hilarious characters, DAG’s unique intonation, and shameless puns up the ass like a prison rape is a winning combination for those of us who read the morning paper with a cup of Cristal. — aaron

True Blood
With blockbusters like Big Love and Sex and the City in its corner, HBO has long since become the go-to channel for high drama, high action, and borderline pornography. Still, I approached True Blood with trepidation, to say the least. Though vampires in theory are mysterious and chic, vampires in practice — and by practice I mean as portrayed by the media — are more often than not camp, melodramatic and a teeny tiny bit gay. Yet while True Blood is hardly an exception — it’s chock full of the audible hissing and sped-up action sequences popular in modern vampiric depictions — neither is it an exception to HBO’s tradition of developing compelling and potentially addictive television. After the first episode, I was seemingly irrevocably stuck on the mediocre acting and circa 1999 special effects. By the fifth episode, I had myself a TiVo season pass.
— kira

October 15, 2008 (9:47PM ET) -
In unprecedented, yet inevitable news, Comedy Central has canceled it’s brand new series, Chocolate News, after just two commercial breaks. The host and star of this brand newly canceled “comedy” programme is the self-proclaimed “poor man’s Delroy Lindo of the Comedy World,” David Alan Grier.  Upon learning this news, Mr. Grier (or is it Mr. Alan Grier?) released the following prepared statement (pending review for future release on his MySpace page) during what would have been the third act costume change:

“I, David Alan Grier, am disheartened to learn that my brand new show, Chocolate News, has been canceled by the same geniuses at Comedy Central who asked me to do this show in the first place.  When I got the offer to produce and star in this project, I was curious as to why I was even getting a show at all. I mean, I haven’t intentionally been funny since I killed my mother during child birth, yet here I was, carrying a show that was only created to be some sort of Carlos Mencia-esque version of Chappelle’s Show. I guess Comedy Central didn’t realize that they already had that type of show on their network which was already being hosted by a man named Carlos Mencia.  Who knows? Maybe that’s why that show has been in production for so many years? Also Sarah Silverman.

Anyway, that’s not my problem anymore. I’d now like to directly address my many fans who may want to know of upcoming projects. So, Rodney Jefferson of Rockford, Illinois, I plan on returning to my roots as a street performer who dances for unfiltered candy cigarettes and voluntarily licks anything put within seven feet of what I like to call my ‘face area.’ Thank you for your time. Are you gonna eat that?”

Comedy Central plans to replace Chocolate News with old episodes of Margaret Cho’s classic American sitcom, All American Girl, and the 6 very best episodes of Dave’s World starring Harry Anderson.