Respect Authority

The magic camera fairy dropped off an early Christmas present for me last week. Which marks the third time I have filled Canon’s coffers for the exact same camera. It’s not that I don’t take care of my toys, it’s perhaps that I do take care of them… in the cackling, maniacal arch nemesis shouting “I’ll take care of you this time, Batman!” kind of way. Come on, like G.I. Joes would be even half as fun if you didn’t eventually set them on fire, anyway. Indeed, what’s the point of having toys at all if you can’t pretend to be Godzilla and smash them all in the driveway?

Unfortunately, that’s a serious existential question to which I have no answer. I’m not a Toys ‘R’ Us after all, and despite years of chanting that I was, in fact, a “Toys ‘R’ Us Kid,” I somehow managed to grow up anyway. So now I just play with big boy toys instead. Yep, all I need these days is a crumpled soda can with some holes poked through it and a 7/11 within walking distance. Cobra Commander may be long gone, but you know I still be blazin’.

Also, I’m thinking about using that last line in my debut rap single. Probably auto-tune the fuck out of that shit, throw in a sample from some 70s funk song, maybe get Rihanna to do a guest vocal. See you from the top of the charts, bitches. Read More ›