Respect Authority

Too Fast, Too Furious

If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Hmm, The Fast & The Furious cast …where are they now?” then these last few months have given you your answers: Same. Fucking. Place.

Indeed, pretty much the entire cast of the 2001 blockbuster is returning this week for reprisal Fast & Furious, which Wikipedia calls an “interquel” in the lucrative but retarded F&F series.

Chronologically, the movie takes place between the second and third films, which means little to anyone who didn’t take the time to see of any the F&F follow-ups (read: the entire population). It reunites fugitive Dom Toretto (Vin Diesel) with policeman/agent/some sort of governmental authority figure with gelled hair Brian O’Connor (Paul Walker). Forced, by what will undoubtedly be some shoddy plot devices, to confront a shared enemy, and flanked by their original lady friends, the two must work together, which history tells us means driving really fast cars while making witty banter about one another’s ability to drive really fast cars.

This is hardly the first time original cast members have returned years later to reprise their career-making roles. Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 3, Dr. Alan Grant in Jurassic Park 3, Yoda in Phantom Menace. Sadly, however, none of the F&F crew really has a career and their about-face reeks of desperation rather than loyalty to the brand.
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Who the fuck is giving career advice to Brendan Fraser these days? 

While I’ll be the first to admit I’ve thought more than once about seeing Journey to the Center of the Earth (3D) after a few choice hits from the bowl, Inkheart - Fraser’s latest foray into the world of fantasy moviemaking - has me worried the man is consciously committing career suicide. 

Based on a children’s book, Inkheart is about Mo, a guy with the unique ability to bring characters out of books. One night he brings to life three characters from Inkheart, a medieval story filled with magic and names like “Basta” and “Dustfinger.” The rest seems fairly typical for children’s fantasy - legendary battles and mystical creatures interspersed with the not-so-subtle dispensation of lessons in morality. 

It’s not that I don’t understand why this movie was made: I mean, children do exist (against all of my efforts to pretend otherwise), and these types of movies have had some significant success in recent years (Narnia, Golden Compass, Beowulf). But for Fraser to release two such films in a row, and one of them so gimmicky as to utilitize ever-unpopular 3D technology, is the equivalent of Vince Vaugh’s two-time entrance into the world of Christmas movies. This is territory from which one does not return.
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