Respect Authority

Remember how in Batman Forever Jim Carrey’s Riddler steals people’s intelligence while simultaneously beaming television directly into their brains?

Well, Jim Carrey failed — ostensibly because Batman is the shit — but I’m 98% sure he wouldn’t have if Bret Michaels had signed on to beam Rock of Love Bus directly into the collective psyche of the masses.

It’s not that I expected ROLB to be bad, nor did I approach it with the same trepidation as Rock of Love Charm School, or the first few episodes of I Love Money. Bret Michaels, trashy girls, alcohol: these are the makings of great television, and VH1 would have been hard-pressed to fuck this one up. What I didn’t quite expect, however, was that the network, with its ever-lowering standards of both dignity and decency, still had the power to shock me.

I think I’ve mentioned this in the past, but the overall strength of ROLB is the fact that it’s predicated on the idea of Bret Michaels being an active rock star. In fairness, the first episode does include an actual Bret Michaels concert, and it does seem to be rather crowded – but being able to sell out a show in middle America does not, for me at least, equate to being the object of desire for 20+ women who would give up a few months of their lives to compete on national television for your affection. I mean, I’m pretty sure even Hootie still sells out a few shows.
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You could be next.

I suppose some part of me (like the part that starts paying attention to reality show announcements six months in advance) knew this was coming, but even I’m growing wary of Bret Michaels’ attempts to “find love” by “sleeping with lots of white trash.” 

Moreover, I saw an ad for the newest ROL season last night, despite the fact that only two months ago, the Rock of Love Bus around which the entire new season is based was involved in a fatal traffic incident. Alright, I guess that’s a little exaggerated, but a crew member driving on his own AHEAD of the bus did actually hit and kill two young women and injure two others in an accident, leading to a temporary suspension of the show’s filming. If said accident is even vaguely referred to (read: exploited) in one of the episodes of this season, I might have to give up on VH1. Even I have principles. 

Must be that hard-rock lifestyle Bret keeps talking about. Excessive bandana-wearing and occasional vehicular manslaughter.

It seems things like the stock market and imminent election have so commanded my intellectual attention that I can no longer focus on what really matters: reality television. 

Rock of Love Charm School with Sharon Osbourne premiered Sunday night, sucking in VH1’s immediate reality audience with promises of scantily-clad and likely drunk females fighting over everything and nothing. By debuting the show just after VH1 success story I Love Money’s reunion special, the network all but guaranteed a stalwart audience would watch the new program, which takes up the same time slot and happens to feature half the same characters. 

But after being thoroughly disappointed with the IL$ reunion (no physical contact, no unseen clips and host Craig Jackson should hang himself), I was even more disheartened to watch Charm School get off to an underwhelming start. These are women that love many things: tattoos, alcohol, Bret Michaels and money, but one thing none of them love is good manners. Read More ›