Respect Authority

I write to you in advance of my imminent departure for the dreaded local malls and retailers, where my sister and I plan to attack the hoards of shoppers waiting impatiently for the best deals of the year. Our weapon? Youth.

The horrors of shopping on Black Friday are wildly overrated, at least in your generic suburban neighborhood. While I would have likely strayed from major shopping areas if I spent this particular holiday in New York, being in the relative comfort and quiet of Suburbia, PA (not its real name) has always afforded me the luxury of shopping with what I consider a reasonable crowd of somewhat hyped-up people. Put simply, Black Friday here remind me of a normal shopping day in the Big Apple.

Moreover, everyone who shops on this day in suburbia, is old. Not necessarily geriatric old (at some point in the future, I plan to do a tally of the number of times I’ve used the word ‘geriatric’ on this blog - I think I’ll be surprised to find its quite a few) but middle-aged at least, meaning a swift roundhouse kick to the stomach puts them out of the running. First in line, who me?

But really everyone, it’s not like my goal is to “Buy myself things on the cheap” or “Spend as little money as possible on other people’s Christmas presents,” because psh, that would be CALLOUS. What I’m really hoping to do by upper-cutting my way through the soccer moms is stimulate the economy. Obviously. Can we, as a society, band together and get up early to buy unnecessary shit at bargain-basement prices? Yes we can.