Respect Authority

BILLY MAYS Even though Billy Mays is no longer with us, the infomercial guru lives on in our hearts—and a little on TV. Reports surfaced today that Mays’ last two commercials (somehow that statement affords a bit less nostalgia than Michael Jackson’s last dance, or Heath Ledger’s last creepy performance) will still make it on air. So, consumers, get ready to open your wallets for Mighty Tape and Mighty Putty Super Pak. If you won’t do it for Billy, do it for the love of all things adhesive.

SPAIN: Some kid dies on a shoddily constructed Tilt-A-Whirl, and Americana goes up in arms; rides are shut down, amusement parks censured, parents chastised. But in good old España, where leisure activities include both “siesta” and “being chased by wild bulls,” there’s no such emphasis on coddling risk takers. During Friday’s San Fermin festival, otherwise known as the Running of the Bulls, a charging bull gored a young man to death. But even though the festival doesn’t end until Tuesday, Spain has no plans to cancel its remaining bull runs. I imagine no one could argue they didn’t know the risks.

STATEN ISLAND: Well Wile E. Coyote should feel better about himself today. A Staten Island teenager trying to walk and text-message at the same time fell into an open sewer manhole, something I heretofore thought only happened to cartoon characters and the occasional blind person. Although city officials are busy trying to figure out why the manhole was left uncovered, the real embarrassment should go to 15-year-old Alexa Longueira, for whom I believe the technical term is “fucking idiot.”

MONKEYS: A new study released this week showed that monkeys on “calorie-restricted” diets, whose meals contained all the normal healthy ingredients but 30% fewer calories, lived longer than regular old food-happy monkeys. Further, mice kept on the same diet from birth lived up to 40% longer than comparison mice fed normally (but were reportedly meaner). Scientists are eagerly researching drugs that might mimic the effects of caloric restriction. Because in the human world, “eating less” is obviously not an option.

OMAR BIN LADEN: Osama Bin Laden’s son, who looks like the lead singer of some System of a Down cover band, opened up about his experiences with his father, including the time when Dad took away his dogs and gassed them in a chemical warfare experiment—seriously, I couldn’t make this shit up. Bin Laden Jr.’s book, Growing Up Bin Laden, is probably full of awful and enlightening details of the family’s dysfunction, but all I keep thinking is someone should buy the TV rights.

DAVID ARQUETTE: The Scream actor—seriously, I tried to think of other relevant things he’s been in, but that’s really it—is living in a box above the Madison Square Garden marquee for two days next week to raise money for hunger. Arquette will only stay in the box for about eight hours each day, and plans to raise $250,000, which leads me to believe David Blaine could have probably solved world hunger.

Billy Mays with his sole legacy, a legion of unnecessary cleaning products

At the very least you could have had him commit suicide with a Samurai Shark so the story might begin to approach funny as opposed to just boring, weird, and kind of sad. The man simply looked far too much like a teddy bear to not feel some twinge of heartbreak in the face of his passing.

I may never recover. Seriously… I counted on Billy’s exuberant screaming to wake me up at 4 am when I’ve passed out on the couch. And one thing OxiClean can’t get out is a stiff neck.

At least Hell’s floors will be spotless by the time I get there.