Respect Authority

WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT!

No… because there are far better ways to celebrate July 4th, such as stumbling drunkenly into the night, covered in sparkler burns, intestinal tract on fire with too much chili. God damn it, that is our right as Americans — to be drunk, reckless, crude and lazy. Yes, to do all that with pride and a smug sense of entitlement.

Indeed, that is what General George Washington and his brave men endured a brutal winter in Valley Forge for — so they could fight to one day see their hemp fields again, to smoke said hemp, and to then go to a barbecue, drink watered down beer, and eat shameful amounts of processed meats. Is that what it means to live in the greatest country in the world? I think maybe it is. But I’m confused and still drunk from celebrating July 4th Eve, so perhaps I will go quietly into the dark after all. It’s nap time.