Respect Authority

Okay, so it’s not that I don’t respect the threat of terrorism. I totally believe there are plenty of people out there hell-bent on destroying America, because the American way of life — wealthy, overweight, pretty much awesome — is for obvious reasons offensive to some. Plus, the world is full of crazies. Shit, my block is full of crazies.

But  despite my understanding of, and respect for, the global terror threat (my personal alert level is at a consistent and understated yellowy-orange hue), I’m finding it hard to muster up some fear when it comes to the nonstop coverage of Najibullah Zazi, the Colorado man arrested for hatching a plot to detonate bombs in Manhattan subways.

Zazi (which is way easier to type than Najibullah) reportedly went shopping in the days before his arrest for all manner of beauty supply products, which together would have created a bomb capable of as much destruction as we saw during similar attacks in London and Madrid. The New York Times, ever sensational, called the terror case “one of the most serious in years.”

….Really? I mean, really? Eight years ago, a handful of men flew planes full of people into buildings, also full of people, and our most serious threat in 2009 is a 24-year-old building basement bombs out of hairspray and nail polish remover? Who got caught. Might we not, as a country, consider this an improvement on our state of affairs?

I take the subway every day, and on my very long mental checklist of possible dangers — urine, homeless people, homeless people urinating — terrorism is somewhere around No.79. I’ve watched enough Law & Order to know that my chances of getting mugged, molested or murdered on the train are astronomically higher than getting blown up.

Some part of me, by which I mean all of me, thinks it’s high time we start concerning ourselves with what I’ll call “preventable” terrorism — plots that involve ingredients or procedures large-scale enough to warrant attention. Unless Duane Reade has plans to stop selling nail polish remover, chances are high there will always be someone, somewhere, perfectly capable of building a bomb. Look at how long meth has survived in the basement labs of suburban middle America. By the same token, as long as there are people willing to kill themselves in an effort to kill others, there’s just really not a whole lot we can do about it.

In the meantime, while perusing convenience stores for beauty supplies, Zazi might consider investing in some hair maintenance. Beards are so last year.