Respect Authority

Listen, I love our new president as much as the next guy/girl/non-redneck. I think he’s downright swell. Shit, I voted for him! And I’m more than prepared to see his smiling face for the next four to eight years. I mean, so long as it’s saying things like “Economy? Yeah, we fixed that,” or “What war?”

But considering how many states of the union, press conferences and paparazzi “Obama takes kids to the movies!” photos we have in our collective future, I think it’s high time consumer magazines jumped off the Obamandwagon and figured out how to design a cover again.

It’s a rare thing these days to see a magazine that hasn’t done, or isn’t still doing, Obama covers. Honestly I’m not sure if or how the man managed to sit for all of these various photo shoots, and if he did sit for them, how he managed to campaign for and subsequently win the presidency at the same time. I guess at least when you’re mad-dashing from a Newsweek cover shoot to a press conference, the makeup is already on.

But enough is enough. Since we can all pretty much assume Time will be doing its 4,587th Obama cover for its annual “Person of the Year” issue, it’s in the magazine world’s best interest to just take a big fucking break. Otherwise, when that issue does come out, I might mistake it for last month’s litter box lining, or just toss it on the ever-growing pile of “magazines I will want to have when I’m older and this whole thing is both significant and nostalgic.”

I will, however, make an exception for People magazine, because if they don’t name him the Sexiest Man of the Year, well, that’s just shoddy journalism.

I really didn’t want to find this funny, but it’s like those laughing baby videos. You can’t control that shit.

Left: April 2007 — Right: November 2008

Barack The Vote needs a glass of warm milk and a nap!

Dude’s been not-even-president for two and a half days and he already looks like he hasn’t slept since he started campaigning. Which is probably true. Welcome to the big leagues, Our Fearless Redistributor.

If you thought people were clinging to their guns before, you should see them now.

A New York Times article Friday documented a significant increase in gun sales in the wake of Barack Obama’s ascendance to the proverbial American throne. Calling the President-elect a “gun-snatcher,” rednecks and firearm enthusiasts throughout the country are stocking up on their favorite weaponry in preparation for either a crackdown on gun ownership or a heretofore unknown plot to take over the world.

“He wants to take our guns from us and create a socialist society policed by his own police force,” said Jim Pruett, owner of Jim Pruett’s Guns and Ammo in northwest Houston. Mr. Pruett said sales on the Saturday before the election were seven times higher than sales on a typical “good Saturday.”

Indeed, in Colorado, gun buyers set a one-day record. According to the Colorado Bureau of Investigation, Saturday marked the highest-ever number of background check requests in a 24-hour period.

It appears much of America is attached to their ignorance as their Smith & Wesson. Although Obama endorsed a handgun ban in Illinois, and stands behind states and cities’ local determinations on gun control, he has no open plans to circumvent the 2nd Amendment.

Suggesting restrictions on gun ownership, in a time when semi-automatic weapons are disconcertingly prevalent, is not akin to taking away an individual’s right to hunt, or own a weapon in the interest of self defense. Or to walk around the house in boxers, double-fisting matching pistols. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.  

Can I just be the… billionth or so… person to say, “Holy fucking shit.”

It really happened. What is this, anyway? Some kind of modern country or some shit? Clearly, it’s time to start creating some “ANGRY IDIOTS FOR THE ASSASSINATION OF BARACK OBAMA” Facebook groups.

First of all, now that the silly election thing is over with, I feel like I should let you know that Barack Obama actually is a Muslim and a terrorist sympathizer, and, in fact, has a history of sleeping with both a copy of The Communist Manifesto and a defaced Precious Moments Bible under his pillow.

Nonetheless, throughout his campaign, Obama ran on a platform of hope. And clearly, he inspired hope in many American voters — including me, and I was under the impression that my capacity for hope had iced over years ago, that space in my heart left barren and forgotten, its haunting desolation not unlike that of lonely Pluto. Indeed, with Obama’s decisive victory against America’s oldest fart tonight, I regained some small amount of hope for the American people as a whole.

Understand that I drink an overfilled glass of negativity instead of orange juice every morning when I wake up, and as a result, think everything is always terrible, without question. So of course, it’s my belief that we hardly have any real reason to hope that we’ll see it out of the current economic case of the runs without losing even more of our assets yet. Nor do we have any reason to hope that Iraq won’t continue to be a mess of epic proportions, a mess that Tide Magic Stain Remover couldn’t even clean up. But today, there is hope that as a country, we are not entirely stupid. Read More ›

Like many Americans with business interests and a masochistic streak, I’ve come to rely on The Wall Street Journal for a litany of news related to the current economy. The paper’s coverage of financial news is breathtakingly comprehensive, albeit conservative, and I’ve also become a fairly avid fan of the Journal’s little character drawings. I am easily entertained.

Yet in all the attention I’ve paid to the newspaper’s coverage of the Great Depression II, I have spent little time looking to the WSJ for political news, opting instead for the liberal Grey Lady, The New York Times, or CNN, which consequently adds in entertaining and dumbed-down headlines like “Nudists want to vote in the buff.” It’s for this reason that the Journal’s Election Day editorial, with its fear-mongering warnings and backward-looking sentiments, came as something of a surprise to me, and put a tiny little damper on my recent elation over having done my part at the polls this morning. Read More ›

Barack Obama’s last living link to the white race died in Hawaii yesterday, effectively leaving the next President of the United States with a black family, an illegal alien for an aunt and a half-Indonesian sister. Somewhere in America, a redneck’s head explodes. 

[New York Times]

"This wouldn't happen in Real America"

A white woman was robbed at an ATM in Pittsburg yesterday. Who cares, you ask? John McCain, that’s who.

Ashley Todd, a McCain campaign volunteer from Texas, was taking $60 out of an ATM in Bloomsfield when a tall dark assailant jumped her. He apparently noticed her McCain bumper sticker and carved the letter “B” into her face in a fit of political rage.

In the spirit of complete media lunacy, both campaigns have released statements proving that nothing, and I mean nothing, happens in a political vacuum.

It remains to be seen if America will judge this historic event as another random crime or a dramatic allegory for Obama’s robbing and mutilating of innocent America.

UPDATE: Bitch lied — thanks, John Q!

[WTAE TV]

Check it, "Gobama".

Anyway, what’s really interesting about his endorsement is the character of the figure and the rational behind his support. Powell is a highly respected and decorated military leader, he’s been a key figure in the Bush family’s international military outings… which on second thought might not be such a good thing. Forgetting his job performance for a second, he also happens to be a loyal Republican who has been on the fence this entire election season and has finally made up his mind thanks to McCain’s erratic negativity. Read More ›

Obama's probably going to win

See that graph? That’s what a near certain victory looks like. Unless Obama wears a turban for Halloween, he’s got the keys to the White House. So it’s time to think about who he’s taking with him.

Well, it’s time for us to start wondering who’s going with him. Clearly everyone else has already covered this gimmick. And, well I’ve already typed far too many characters to stop now. Deal with it.

Here goes, RA’s own Obama Cabinet Staff Prediction 2009. Read More ›

John McCain and Barack Obama went head-to-head last night in the second presidential debate, which was tense as all hell but still seemed to pale in comparison to the Palin/Biden madness that was last week. In the interest of mixing up my so-called “coverage,” I decided to document my debate commentary in blog-form, with timestamps, and after a few bowls … of … Cheerios. 

9:01 p.m. Tom Brokaw should consider a second career as an announcer for wrestling matches, or maybe as a stand-in for that guy who voices all the movie trailers. 

9:02 p.m. McCain takes a few notes as soon as he sits down. Perhaps “Obama not wearing flag pin” or “Forgot to take Ginkgo biloba today.”
Read More ›