Respect Authority

The video clears things up a little, but I still think he was taking a gander.

Today, Greenpeace, (a.k.a. “goddamn tree-huggers”) shrouded the blank area next to President Lincoln’s face on Mt. Rushmore with a huge freaking banner that says “America honors leaders not politicians: Stop Global Warming” with Obama’s face as the background.

So as I understand it, Greenpeace is attempting to bribe the Leader of the Free World with a prime spot on Creepy Face Mountain in exchange for solving the world’s pollution problem. A lofty promise, indeed: is Obama to believe that Greenpeace’s members have the right or power to speak for all other American people in matters of national iconography? And if our idols are to be honored, should what some may call a defacement of a national monument be considered honorable? In 2012, will Greenpeace offer to convert Abraham Lincoln’s face into Sarah Palin’s in exchange for the end of off-shore drilling?

I’d like to be the first to suggest the Greenpeace people, especially the street-walking volunteers, be locked up for attempting to bribe the American President and interrupting the monotonous flow of the people on their lunch break.

Twenty-minute speeches on world peace and universal healthcare notwithstanding, it’s these types of moments that make me happy Obama is president.

And so it begins. The summer of no news. The economy, while still slowly imploding in on itself, seems to have moved away from the rapid freefall into global depression that seemed so unavoidable just a few short months ago. We have a black, progressive, intelligent president — who knows almost as many big words as Bush made up on his own.

And swine flu — which for a brief 15 minutes of porcine fame threatened to upend our sudden post-Obama euphoria — has already faded: This week Mexico City lowered its swine flu alert level from yellow to green, saying there have been no new infections for a week. (This is to say nothing of other Mexico City alert levels, related to things like “drug-related violence,” “irreversible pollution” or “gang warfare,” all of which remain at a rather permanent state of red). 

What is there left to do when dinosaur-caliber mountains of shit aren’t perpetually hitting an industrial-sized fan? Twiddle our thumbs? Pick our noses? Watch an inordinate amount of reality television? 

Bring on the next global crisis; I’m bored.

Time’s cover story this week is about Obama and his magical hundred days, and the story’s already online. The short end of it? He really hasn’t done anything yet, and even if he did it’s really Jim Jones’ fault for being too weak; besides, he shot the pirates. What’s more interesting is this picture of his private residence! Looks like his Mac’s hooked up to a brand new Apple Cinema Display with a custom high-resolution White House wallpaper.

And he might be using his Blackberry while reading four books at the same time. Also, his lamp’s a little fey.

In the interest of national security, President Obama isn’t allowed to have a Respect Authority account and therefore will post infrequent updates from his friends’ accounts.

From the snowy peaks of the Catskill Mountains to the temperate zone of Orange County, we have crisscrossed this great nation for about two months, charged with the people’s work of hope and change.

To be honest, Air Force One is great and all but the workload, stress levels and tension headaches are getting pretty annoying pretty fast. Sixty days ago, I thought I had this. I said to myself, “Barack, you’re a young, smart guy with a slightly larger than average penis — you got this.” But now I’m not so sure.

For example, last week I was on the Tonight Show. Sure, the venue was a bit unusual if not unbecoming of the office, but I was just trying to keep things light, especially appealing in the face of, oh well I dunno, something like a depression. And so there I am, with Jay, and I accidentally make a retard joke. Fuck my life. Read More ›

Despite a head cold that’s made it near-impossible for me to enjoy my favorite herbal refreshment, I managed to tune in - soberly - for President Barack Obama’s speech to the nation yesterday evening. 

The spiel, which included any number of morale boosters and both long- and short-term promises, instilled in me that same national pride afforded by any of the president’s statements. That said, I find myself a little speech-weary these days. Show me an inspiratial Obama speech and I’ll show you a country that’s still totally fucked. 

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t lost faith. Rather I’m simply concerned, like any American who’s started to see the effects of the recession. And for the first time since he became a public figure, Obama was just a little less adept at hiding his own concern. 

After months of touting a progressive effort to look forward instead of back, the president was throwin’ bows last night, sniping about the deficit he inherited, the war his predecessor mismanaged, and the economy decades of past presidents, executives and regulators let grow exponentially on the back of fabricated money. He also outlined, rather frankly, some of the most impressive failings in America today: if you drop out of high school, you’re a loser. If you bought or are buying a home ludicrously out of your price range, you are a loser. And if you decide to redecorate your office in the midst of a recession your very company helped create (I’m looking at you John Thain), you too are a loser. 

Luckily for Obama, and in a “kicked while they’re down” scenario for Republicans everywhere, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal’s GOP response was nothing if not awkward, ill-prepared and 75% off topic. The speech, which Gawker phenomenally pegged as a real-life incarnation of 30 Rock’s hillbilly/aid Kenneth - included gems like “as a child, I remember going to the grocery store with my dad,” and some weird metaphor involving volcanoes. Moreover, although Jindal can hardly be blamed for Hurricane Katrina, he made a mistake in alluding to Louisiana as a model for fiscal and governmental success: New Orleans is basically Sodom and Gomorrah these days. By the end of Jindal’s clip, I was ready to spend another $740 bajillion just to get him off screen. 

Barack Obama has always wanted to, and promised to, make us a country full of winners. We should be at the forefront of new industries and technology, without sacrificing national integrity in the interest of a bottom line. But last night was the first time I got a whiff of impatience from the poised president: before we can be a nation of winners, we have to undo the mistakes of quite a few losers.

Just the other night I was thinking to myself that the country’s almost cult-like obsession with Barack Obama is a tad too creepy to be considered mere patriotism. This morning, my fears were affirmed. 

Ty, the company behind the Beanie Babie phenomenon, has two new dolls: “Sweet Sasha” and “Marvelous Malia.” A Ty spokeswomans claims the “bronze-skinned dolls” aren’t modeled after the country’s newest First Children, but it’s a rather difficult coincidence to swallow.

Which isn’t to say there haven’t been dolls modeled after past political figures - in fact, I’m pretty sure there are still a few choice George W. dolls floating around in the ether. But those are the kind of gag products that fart when you squeeze them, or mumble “misunderestimated” when you pull a string in the back. Creating two completely unneccessary stuffed children that eerily resemble the president’s daughters - well that’s unquestionably absurd. 

My only suggestion to Ty - short of making sure their lawyers are close at hand - is to go the Beanie Baby route again, and create mini-incarnations of the entire White House entourage, First Family, vice president and cabinet included. I’d pay good money for a miniature Hillary Clinton doll, pantsuit sold separately.

So. Let’s talk about new beginnings. Barack Hussein Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, “Where did you get that from?” And the parrot says, “Argh, the Middle East, there’s a whole bunch of Muslims down there!”

This Tuesday is kind of a big deal… to say the least. Although, admittedly, less of a big deal than that Tuesday in November, this one is more symbolic in its importance. It is the last day George W. Bush will be President. Really just try to wrap your mind around that. I was fucking fifteen years old when he was elected — I am a different person today than I was all those years ago, and yet George W. Bush was there the whole time. If America didn’t have such an infuriating bastard of a president through my “rebellious” years, would still I be the same bitter, whining pothead I am today? …Probably, but… whatever.

For fucking eight years we’ve all walked past the shoddy “Not MY President” t-shirts, heard countless jokes about the man’s stupidity, saw numerous documentaries about his administration’s handling of 9/11, blah blah blah. He was our Stalin, our Mussolini. And I guess in those terms, it really wasn’t all that bad and I guess America is a pretty okay place to live after all. Read More ›

Just in case our ongoing coverage of the $64,000 question -  ”Who will Time magazine name Person of the Year?” - has you following the case with rabid enthusiasm, you’re in luck - the wait is over. 

In journalism’s most shocking moment, the magazine opted for *drumroll please* Barack Obama! Stop the presses. No, seriously, stop them - I can’t imagine any magazine has something to say about Obama that I haven’t already read elsewhere. In fact, I’d be totally okay with it if Time just ran a big photo of Bam with the caption “You know why.” Or maybe “We had to.”

PAST COVERAGE:
Pronoun of the Year
Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Obama?

Al-Quaeda is wasting no time. 

What the Associated Press calls the group’s “No. 2″ (where there is a published list of the group’s hierarchy is beyond me) said during a video message this week that President-elect Barack Obama is a black American who does the bidding of whites. And I don’t think he meant it in the “representative of his country’s people” way. 

Al-Zawahri called Obama “the direct opposite of an honoroable black American” and called our soon-to-be-president a “house negro.”

Despite the fact that this comment is wildly offensive, I can’t help but hear an unspoken “Awww, snap!” when I read this. Are we really still trading insults? I mean, when you’re a terrorist organization responsible for countless acts of violence, does it really add much in terms of intimidation credibility to name-call? Particularly if the name is one already perpetuated by people long-considered inconsequential racists by the vast majority of Americans. They might as well have released a video of Al-Zawahri calling Obama butthead, or poopy face. 

Terrorists are so unoriginal.

Newsflash everyone: Lindsay Lohan might have said something stupid. 

I was shocked and, in a very schadenfreude kind of way, ever so delighted, to discover in today’s New York Post that Lohan apparently used the word “colored” to refer to Barack Obama during an interview with Access Hollywood this week. “It’s an amazing feeling,” Lohan said when asked about the election (because obviously, Lindsay Lohan’s take on the election is just so incredibly important). “He’s our fist colored president.” 

Now, to be fair, I’ve watched the clip (and so will you, since I pasted it below) and it’s not entirely clear what she says, mostly because she’s mumbling more or less the entire time. She may have said “colored”, but she also may have said “good,” or she may not have even been speaking English.

More important than whether Lindsay Lohan is a racist — because let’s be honest, even if she did fuck up and say “colored,” I highly doubt she’s managed to be a closet racist for this long — is the fact that she looks completely cracked out in this video. Everything is wrong, from the makeup to the hair to the voice, it’s frankly shocking to me that anyone let her go on camera like this. 

Listen, Lindsay, you’re giving Democrats a bad name. Brush your hair.