Respect Authority

The weather in the Windy City of late has been reasonably tolerable, which means little in a place where a few short months ago we were graced with -20 degree icy farts that Jack Frost routinely blew in our faces whenever we stepped outside. Nonetheless, it’s still a bit too brisk to convincingly call it “Spring” — in fact, I feel almost as if Winter is sadistically dangling its successor in front of my face, a juicy morsel of hope hovering just out of a starving man’s reach.

Fuck the April showers, just gimme my mother fucking May flowers.

Here’s the simplest Q&A ever conceived:

Q: Should I live in Chicago?
A: No.

Zero Tolerance is a weekly feature, appearing on Saturdays, that briefly covers some unacceptable offense from the prior week. This is far from a hard science, in fact, it’s entirely likely that it’s not even fact based — indeed, this is pure opinionated ranting because it’s my website and I can cry if I want to. — RA

I have a confession to make. It’s kind of serious.

I’m a murderer.

Okay, that probably sounds more than kind of serious, but it’s not that serious. …Serious serious serious. But seriously folks, I have an invasion on my hands. In these desperate times, I’ve been forced to do things I’m not proud of. Ah well, war is a series of catastrophes that results in victory.

Since moving to Chicago from New York, I’ve seen a lot of strange, new things. The hipsters in this city are bizarre, failed parodies of their New York counterparts, the people here like meat way too much, and frankly, the whole place probably should have stayed burned down. If for no other reason than my apartment would not be infested with Asian Lady Beetles today. Read More ›