Respect Authority

I can’t decide if it’s wrong to say I don’t believe Steve Jobs. But …I just don’t believe Steve Jobs. 

On the one hand, I’d be pretty up in arms if everyone under the sun was documenting my rapid weight loss and deteriorating health on a day-by-day basis, and even moreso if the appearance of that health had a direct correlation on my company’s stock, and therefore my financial well-being. After all, life isn’t The Biggest Loser and for the most part the miniscule changes in one’s physical appearance, including numbers on the scale, aren’t cause for public concern. Unless you’re Oprah. 

But on the other hand, naming a health issue more commonly associated with menopausal women than ailing middle-aged men isn’t doing much for me in the realm of “lies I’m willing to pretend I believe.” We know you had pancreatic cancer Steve, and moreover we’re all pretty sure pancreatic cancer doesn’t just up and disappear. And even if we did believe that, its not exactly reassuring to watch you get thinner than our iPods. 

At this rate, a hormonal imbalance isn’t going to cut it. Just admit it Steve, you’re bulimic.

Welcome to the fucking future.

I feel like first, I should let you know that this is actually not a joke. The name? Fucking horrible, but the idea itself… pretty amazing aside from the fact that, in practice, you’d look like a fucking Star Trek ass loser from space. These are the insane machinations of designer Gopinath Prasana, and while the iBangle is not currently slated for production, there’s a good chance we’ll see something like this come to light.

It will retain all the usual functions of an iPod, effectively being an iPod shuffle on your wrist, with a scroll pad, wireless earbuds, and an air chamber on the inside of the wrist that can be gradually inflated so the device can fit snugly. No word on commercial jetpacks yet (although there is, staggeringly terrible music choice aside, this)… but it’s nice to see that we’re getting there. Read More ›

I guess all those scathing commercials finally hit home. 

Microsoft on Tuesday announced what it claims will be a slimmer and better operating system, Windows 7, and unceremoniously dropped the “Vista” brand name. A smart move considering Apple has been relentlessly slamming the company for Vista’s ongoing issues, sometimes at the expense of including any real advertisement for Apple itself. Seriously, I don’t know the last time I saw Justin Long doing something other than making fun of PC. Does Apple even sell products?

“We’ve done a lot of work around how you manage the windows, how you launch programs and how you manage the windows of the programs that you’ve launched,” Microsoft technologist Steven Sinofsky told investors and developers at a conference. “It’s all about personalization and putting you in control of the PC, and that’s a big initiative that we’ve had.” 

Thanks Steven. After all, why shouldn’t a company that’s been releasing operating systems for 20+ years (and by the way, more or less pioneered the concept) develop something capable of “launching programs” and “managing windows.” This will certainly solve a lot of issues, and may revolutionize computers altogether. 

The real question though, what if it works? What if a few hard-hitting ads and a lot of public backlash actually pushed Microsoft to develop a comprehensive Windows solution? What would happen to Justin Long? 

Exactly what happened to the “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” kid. Total and utter oblivion.

…By something mean and big with a sharp dick and no sense of humor.

You see, there are three types of people in this world:

• People who have had a hard drive fail
• People who will have a hard drive fail
• People who are going to kill every employee in the Apple store at 679 North Michigan Ave., Chicago, with an axe tomorrow.

Nerds everywhere shit their pants with joy today, as G1 — Google’s first attempt at phone-making and latest attempt at world domination — hit stores. Lines at T-Mobile locations, Google’s slightly-odd choice for the G1’s service provider, snaked around corners as overeager employees passed around trays of pastries to waiting patrons, who probably said things like “Fuck pastries, where is my phone?!”

Ironically, the phone’s release comes the same day that Apple said iTastic sales of the iPhone were responsible for its stellar fourth-quarter earnings. Profits jumped 26% as the iPhone 3G outsold leading smart-phone competitor Blackberry.

So the real question is — what are nerds to do? I picture this as the same sort of dilemma they would face if both Star Wars and Dune were playing on TV at the same time. (Although really, any self-respecting nerd would have all six Star Wars movies on special-edition DVD). Google has long been the purveyor of innovative search tools online, and things like GMail and Google Maps’ Street View have completely overhauled the way we think about the Internet. A true testament to the company’s technological prowess (and pop culture relevance), “Google” at some point became its own verb. Read More ›

Back in July, Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer started up a rumor mill by mentioning that Apple’s ridiculous profit margins would take a hit during a “future product transition”. Pretty soon after that, the project code name, Brick, started circulating around the Apple rumor websites (yes there’s more than one and yes they’re all devoted solely to Apple).

It turns out the “Brick” may not be a product at all but in fact a revolutionary manufacturing process in which a solid brick (get it?) of aluminum is lasered and water blasted into, perhaps, a new MacBook that’s rumored to be released on Oct. 14th.

Forming a laptop out of a single brick of aluminum would eliminate weak joints, screws, dead metal weight, and Chinese girls. Plus, having the factory in Apple’s backyard not only gives Steve more opportunity to micromanage everything but wisely takes advantage of the cheap labor market emerging in our new, freedom loving, third world country.

Also, Apple’s innovative move might have something to do the future of American manufacturing, energy production, and corporate self-preservation during awkward international falling outs. Whatever.

[Computer World]